Mujib murderers' execution cause labor troubles in Hell

Shantinogor, Dhaka: Reports have been flooding into the chambers of various djinn-dealing moulubis and hujurs. Since the execution of five of the murderers of Bangabandhu Sheikh Mujibur Rahman, the supernatural world has been in an uproar. Many supernatural beings are protesting this new development. One djinn was quoted to say: "We have had enough. Why must the scum of humanity be transferred into our plane of existence?"

The problem is twofold. In Hell, the neighborhood known as Little Bangladesh (not to be confused with Little Bangladesh, Los Angeles) is especially reviled. All other torture pits in Hell have armed guards, but Little Bangladesh do not have any form of security enclosure. The philosophy is that Bangladeshis will do anything to keep their own within their own circle of Hell, because anybody who gets out will put on airs. But--and herein lies the problem--child murderers and traitors are also similarly despised. With the execution of five child murdering Bangladeshi traitors, all Hell broke loose in Hell.

Azazel, a lowly minion of the fourth circle whose main duty is to gouge out the eyes of the lecherous, had this to say: "It's really simple--nobody wants to share Hell with these assholes. Syed Farooq Rahman, Sultan Shahriar Rashid Khan, Bazlul Huda, AKM Mohiuddin Ahmed and Mohiuddin Ahmed--they are not only child murderers, they are also Bengalis. And it's not the Bengali thing, that we can get over. But these people murdered, in cold blood, the entire family of the father of a new country. Look, I might work in Hell, but even I have shame. I don't want to touch these filthy creatures. It shames me to think that I--or any of my friends and colleagues--would have to think up tortures for these wretched beasts whose sins are beyond anything I could comprehend."

There is talk of a petition being signed by ethereal beings, in a committee led by Karaddajjal, the famous Knife-Daemon of Jahannam. Mr. Kharaddajjal says, "My duty is to hug sinners when they enter Hell. My body is made of knives, so when a sinner is hugged by me he or she is stabbed in all parts of their body. They feel the full weight and consequence of their actions on their soul. I am the face of Hell's torture." As the most recognized representative of Hell, Kharaddajjal has difficulty separating his professional and personal lives. "As you can imagine, it's difficult for me to make friends. I can't even shake someone's hand without causing them unimaginable agony. But I have never complained. It has all been in the service of Allah. Now, however, things have gone too far."

Mr. Kharaddajjal is using an online petition website to try and collect fifty million signatures of damned souls.

In the meantime, the upper management is being proactive. While Satan, the Lord of the Underworld, did not respond to our phone calls, we at Joruri Khobor have heard rumors that Hell is going to start recruiting new demons through online job hunt websites like BDJobs.com. One senior demon, Mr. Khondoker Danob, had this to say: "Well, think about it. We have a job to do. We can't really sit back and let Hell's economy suffer. We have souls to torture. So what if we have these five shitstains that are so filthy, shameless, wretched that even Hell's demons don't want to torture them. I know of a race that's willing to take the job on. Who am I talking about? Bangladeshis, of course! Those people have no shame, they'll do anything!!!!!" Mr. Khondoker Danob was getting visibly agitated at this time. "Sorry. It's just professional jealousy I guess. Because even we have some self-respect, some shame. But these people--well, all I'll say is, it took them 35 years to execute these assholes, didn't it?"

26 March "Freedom to Party" disco night a rip-roaring success

By Arif "Prism" Shaikat, Society Correspondent

International IC Club, Gulshan, 26 March 2009. Golden Aura Entertainment brings a hot hot night of partying down to the guys and dolls of Dhaka City. The Freedom to Party gala event celebrated 26th March, which is the anniversary of that famous day in 1973 when the Colonel Z dropped mad rhymes on behalf of our great national leader, "Shake" M Rahman. The party was held for residents of Gulshan and Baridhara only, although guests were allowed from Banani and the DOHS areas as long as they brought girls with them.

Michael Karim, owner of Golden Aura Entertainment, said "Yo. Freedom's a tight thing. But what's fuckin' freedom if you don't got the freedom to party? This is why we've organized the most exclusive night of partyin' down since our 21st February Bros before Hos event, the Valentine's Day bash last month, or the New Year's Eve party before that: a night of boozin', schmoozin', and floozin'."

We socialites are certainly appreciative of Michael Karim, who shows us again that in spite of political instability, widespread poverty, and the recent BDR mutiny, we can still party like it's 2009.

But of course, as with everything else, there are detractors. Critics of Golden Aura Entertainment or GAE have said that throwing parties to commemorate dates like 21 February and 26 March miss the point of what it means to be Bangladeshi. They have pointed out that GAE's parties invariably involve drunkenness, drunk driving, and violence. Golden Aura's parties also have an age disparity, where men in their mid-thirties often harass and try to seduce impressionable, scantily-clad girls in their late teens. Michael Karim has been accused of corruption, sycophancy, date rape, and lowbrow tastes in clothing.

Michael Karim responds: "Chill. I simply provide a service: the opportunity to GET DOWN. If you don't want to party with me, you're most welcome to stay at home and lock up your daughters. But I'm the voice of sanity, I'm the cool kid, and I think that it's better for young guns to let off steam at my parties than do Yabba."

Whatever your point of view, one thing is certain: when it comes to shakin' booty, there are none who do it better than the Babes of Bengal, and the place to do it is with Michael Karim!

PICTURED: A party-goer in fancy dress.