Mujib murderers' execution cause labor troubles in Hell

Shantinogor, Dhaka: Reports have been flooding into the chambers of various djinn-dealing moulubis and hujurs. Since the execution of five of the murderers of Bangabandhu Sheikh Mujibur Rahman, the supernatural world has been in an uproar. Many supernatural beings are protesting this new development. One djinn was quoted to say: "We have had enough. Why must the scum of humanity be transferred into our plane of existence?"

The problem is twofold. In Hell, the neighborhood known as Little Bangladesh (not to be confused with Little Bangladesh, Los Angeles) is especially reviled. All other torture pits in Hell have armed guards, but Little Bangladesh do not have any form of security enclosure. The philosophy is that Bangladeshis will do anything to keep their own within their own circle of Hell, because anybody who gets out will put on airs. But--and herein lies the problem--child murderers and traitors are also similarly despised. With the execution of five child murdering Bangladeshi traitors, all Hell broke loose in Hell.

Azazel, a lowly minion of the fourth circle whose main duty is to gouge out the eyes of the lecherous, had this to say: "It's really simple--nobody wants to share Hell with these assholes. Syed Farooq Rahman, Sultan Shahriar Rashid Khan, Bazlul Huda, AKM Mohiuddin Ahmed and Mohiuddin Ahmed--they are not only child murderers, they are also Bengalis. And it's not the Bengali thing, that we can get over. But these people murdered, in cold blood, the entire family of the father of a new country. Look, I might work in Hell, but even I have shame. I don't want to touch these filthy creatures. It shames me to think that I--or any of my friends and colleagues--would have to think up tortures for these wretched beasts whose sins are beyond anything I could comprehend."

There is talk of a petition being signed by ethereal beings, in a committee led by Karaddajjal, the famous Knife-Daemon of Jahannam. Mr. Kharaddajjal says, "My duty is to hug sinners when they enter Hell. My body is made of knives, so when a sinner is hugged by me he or she is stabbed in all parts of their body. They feel the full weight and consequence of their actions on their soul. I am the face of Hell's torture." As the most recognized representative of Hell, Kharaddajjal has difficulty separating his professional and personal lives. "As you can imagine, it's difficult for me to make friends. I can't even shake someone's hand without causing them unimaginable agony. But I have never complained. It has all been in the service of Allah. Now, however, things have gone too far."

Mr. Kharaddajjal is using an online petition website to try and collect fifty million signatures of damned souls.

In the meantime, the upper management is being proactive. While Satan, the Lord of the Underworld, did not respond to our phone calls, we at Joruri Khobor have heard rumors that Hell is going to start recruiting new demons through online job hunt websites like BDJobs.com. One senior demon, Mr. Khondoker Danob, had this to say: "Well, think about it. We have a job to do. We can't really sit back and let Hell's economy suffer. We have souls to torture. So what if we have these five shitstains that are so filthy, shameless, wretched that even Hell's demons don't want to torture them. I know of a race that's willing to take the job on. Who am I talking about? Bangladeshis, of course! Those people have no shame, they'll do anything!!!!!" Mr. Khondoker Danob was getting visibly agitated at this time. "Sorry. It's just professional jealousy I guess. Because even we have some self-respect, some shame. But these people--well, all I'll say is, it took them 35 years to execute these assholes, didn't it?"

Bangladesh bans Youtube: "Govt to remain focused on serious issues" says Humayunnessa

Chondrima Phuchka Stall, Chandni Chowk: Begum Humayunnessa outlined the basis of her government policy and style. The most important message she had to say to her fifteen crore admirers is that the GOB or Government of Bangladesh will remain focused on serious issues, the ones that really matter.

"We came to power by positioning ourselves as an alternative to the corrupt regime of Deshpremik Dol and the non-corrupt Army-run government. We promised to tread the middle ground of non-corrupt incompetence and corrupt incompetence. And I think that we have succeeded," said Begum Humayunnessa. "Our most important achievement thus far has been the blocking of immoral Western video site Youtube, and the citizenship cancelation of Bangladeshi Youtube co-creator Jawed Karim." This was received with widespread applause.

The only note of protest was from an effeminate Daily Star reporter with a British accent. He said, "I have been raised in the UK, and I think that the government should concentrate on fixing the myriad problems besieging our country right now. For example, the BDR perpetrators have not yet been brought to justice."

Humayunnessa's spokesperson translated her response: "First things first. There are criminals from three decades ago that we need to catch. We will punish the BDR perpetrators in due time, by 2045." It should also be noted that she has hired special investigators from the RIAA of America, and Swedish-American rocker Lars Ulrich, to head the BDR investigation.

Perhaps there is a secret motive behind all this. Rumors abound that the main reason for the YouTube banning is an overabundance of Hanif Shongket videos which were infringing on his copyrights. We at Joruri Khobor consulted our internet expert, Mollik "Mash" Mustafiz. He said "The nature of the internet is such that banning one site cannot suppress media. Digital duplication allows us all to act as virtual file servers. We can mirror these files anywhere we wish and confuse the government simply by renaming or re-encoding the files from Pirated_Ittadi.mpg to Chayachondo.mpg. We cannot, however, duplicate Mr. Shongket's genius in giving J R Ewing's a Noakhali accent."

To prove his point, he has even linked the Ittadi episodes in question on this link. We at Joruri Khobor laugh for after all here is a man who named himself after a TV show that has been off air for ages!

Begum Humayunnessa will be broadcasting her speeches via Radio Foorti, now that YouTube is gone. She also said "If these YouTube files are mirrored anywhere else, I will ban those sites too! I can ban any site I want and after all, it is the government that puts the Ban in Bangladesh."

Bangladesh Sneers at Barack Obama

It should be remembered that we Bangladeshis are critical of non-democratic processes. Our leaders come from political families whose backgrounds in leadership and inherited prestige give them an upper hand in running our country. The Americans, our brothers in democracy (but our enemies in being non-Muslim) have elected a man with very little family background in politics. Yet, he is not all bad.

Barack Obama is a man who has many exemplary qualities that all of us should aspire to. For example, he is not George Bush. This single virtue should be enough to make Americans grateful to him. For eight years, they wished for a President who was not George Bush, and even went to the length of not voting for him, but their wishes did not come true until now. However, it is an unquestionable truth that Barack Obama is not George Bush.

We at Joruri Khobor ask: is being not George Bush enough to make a good President? He might be good enough for America, but he's not good enough for us. Here are the reasons why.

a) Barack Obama is the first black president of the United States. Good for you, America! But we have had halwa-colored Presidents and Prime Ministers for thirty eight years! You can brag about how you have a President who is not a white man, but our ruler, the most beloved Bongokhalamma Begum Humayunnesa, is neither white nor a man!

b) Barack Obama ran a grassroots campaign and raised money, in small amounts, from an unprecedented number of people. Nigga please. Tengku Rahman, the third cousin of the nation (twice removed, especially after the last government), set up a system where every bus travelling from Dhaka to Narayanganj paid him five takas per ticket sold. Compared to that, Mr. Barack so-called Hussein Obama is nothing.

c) Barack Obama started off at a community college and went on to study in Columbia and Harvard Universities. Most Bangladeshi politicians begin their studies at community centers and often travel to Colombo and in some cases get degrees from Harvard International University, Jhikatola (not affiliated with Harvard University).

d) Barack Obama inspired record numbers of people to vote for the first time. As you will know from reading Joruri Khobor, Bangladesh is the most democratic country in the world, and Barack Obama's tinpot democracy does not impress us. Our elections get 100% voter turnouts. As a matter of fact, this past election, Deshpremik Dol got 120% votes, exceeding the number of people who are currently alive in Bangladesh. We believe that the number of votes is a reflection of people's faith in Deshpremik Dol.

This was a Joruri Khobor exclusive report.

PICTURED: Barack Hussein Obama as simply Hussein the Bangladeshi.