Bangladesh Sneers at Barack Obama

It should be remembered that we Bangladeshis are critical of non-democratic processes. Our leaders come from political families whose backgrounds in leadership and inherited prestige give them an upper hand in running our country. The Americans, our brothers in democracy (but our enemies in being non-Muslim) have elected a man with very little family background in politics. Yet, he is not all bad.

Barack Obama is a man who has many exemplary qualities that all of us should aspire to. For example, he is not George Bush. This single virtue should be enough to make Americans grateful to him. For eight years, they wished for a President who was not George Bush, and even went to the length of not voting for him, but their wishes did not come true until now. However, it is an unquestionable truth that Barack Obama is not George Bush.

We at Joruri Khobor ask: is being not George Bush enough to make a good President? He might be good enough for America, but he's not good enough for us. Here are the reasons why.

a) Barack Obama is the first black president of the United States. Good for you, America! But we have had halwa-colored Presidents and Prime Ministers for thirty eight years! You can brag about how you have a President who is not a white man, but our ruler, the most beloved Bongokhalamma Begum Humayunnesa, is neither white nor a man!

b) Barack Obama ran a grassroots campaign and raised money, in small amounts, from an unprecedented number of people. Nigga please. Tengku Rahman, the third cousin of the nation (twice removed, especially after the last government), set up a system where every bus travelling from Dhaka to Narayanganj paid him five takas per ticket sold. Compared to that, Mr. Barack so-called Hussein Obama is nothing.

c) Barack Obama started off at a community college and went on to study in Columbia and Harvard Universities. Most Bangladeshi politicians begin their studies at community centers and often travel to Colombo and in some cases get degrees from Harvard International University, Jhikatola (not affiliated with Harvard University).

d) Barack Obama inspired record numbers of people to vote for the first time. As you will know from reading Joruri Khobor, Bangladesh is the most democratic country in the world, and Barack Obama's tinpot democracy does not impress us. Our elections get 100% voter turnouts. As a matter of fact, this past election, Deshpremik Dol got 120% votes, exceeding the number of people who are currently alive in Bangladesh. We believe that the number of votes is a reflection of people's faith in Deshpremik Dol.

This was a Joruri Khobor exclusive report.

PICTURED: Barack Hussein Obama as simply Hussein the Bangladeshi.

Casper the Friendly Ghost Declared Foreign Minister

Casper, the friendly ghost, has been declared Foreign Minister by Prime Minister and CEO Begum Humayunnesa. This is regarded as a good decision by the economic analysts at Joruri Khobor, because this will prove to foreign nations that Bangladesh is transparent in its intentions but can also get aggressive if necessary.

Kaiser Saddam, resident patient and Greek interpreter for Joruri Khobor, said: "This is a canny move involving an uncanny spirit. It's a natural gesture towards a supernatural being. Begum Humayunnesa loves her spirits. This is clearly the influence of Humayunnesa's son DJ. DJ is of course the grandson of the nation and has recently completed his Master's thesis on Barrack Obama, whose campaign he studied by watching CNN. He is a student of Canada School of Government."

This move is being lauded by all major international powers and supernatural creatures. Mamdo Bhoot, king of ghosts, said, "The best thing about appointing the ghost of Sheikh Istiaq is that he appeals to two demographic groups, that is to say, those who like music and those who are superstitious. Plus, it also fits the major requirement for all Bangladeshi foreign ministers. The concept of what they are required to do is foreign to them."

Begum Humayunnesa was smiling when she declared the news to the press. "People call me crazy," said our beloved Netri apa, "But I'm really just crazy for Bangladesh!"

PICTURED: The plucky Casper plays a prank on Putin by touching his bald head at the UN Summit. President Bush, one of the few UN representatives who believes in ghosts, is apalled.

US failure McCain calls Kutubunnesa, Kutubunnesa promises revolution

John McCain, the American who is famous for losing the Presidential Election to rising black Obama and having a beautiful wife, called Begum Kutubennesa to express his sorrow at her loss in this Election.

Speaking through a translator (for McCain is ignorant in Bangla), he said, "Begum, your joy is my joy, your sorrow is my sorrow. I had hoped that you would win the election. I even prayed for you to win but we all know what happens to those whose victory I pray. Bridget, my adopted Bangladeshi daughter, quite adores you, and as such I could not refuse to call. She is very strong and I was afraid she would run around the drawing room with her eyes closed and break our furniture."

The honorable Begum, mother-in-law of the nation, responded to McCain in English. "Thank you", she said. "Very good."

Begum Kutubunnesa, CEO of Bangladesh Moulik Committee or BMC, is planning a comeback. BMC was the worst-hit when the temporary government raided the bank accounts of politicians and non-elected party bigwigs, including Kutubunnesa's two favorite nephews. Kutubunnesa's plans include an immediate declaration of public revolt. It can be said that Kutubunnesa is revolting even now. Said the glorious opposition leader: "I do not believe that the Bangladeshi people know what is good for them. This is why it is my duty as mother-in-law to the nation to guide them. I do not know why they voted for Begum Humayunnesa, who is proven to be corrupt, craven, treacherous and uneducated. I will save my country and bring peace. We will make Bangladesh even more democratic! This is why I am proposing a pubic uprising against the government elect, and am declaring the month of January to be a hartal."

Begum Humayunnesa, CEO of Deshpremik Dol, proclaimed: "My party has been elected by the people, and we rule by divine right. I personally made sure that BMC members were issued printed invitations asking them to vote. However, a mistake at the printing press caused the Election Date to be printed as 3 January, 2009."

Bangladesh most democratic country in Asia.

Tukatuki Lane, Dhaka: 100% of the voters had already cast their votes by 10 AM, said Chief Election Commissioner Muhaddes Khondokar Tinku. The short lines at the polling booths and the jam-less roads of Dhaka city showed that people were not on the streets or at the polling centres. It was proof that voters had already voted and were enjoying a well-earned cup of tea with their family members and servants, who have also no doubt voted.

This election, 2008, is also a landmark year for democracy. Just like America, where the black Obama has charmed hearts with his warm smile, Bangladesh also boasts a very low average voter age. "Young people are just more and more interested in politics these days," says Khilkhil Ferdousi, principal of Young Flowers International School and College. "I have seen youngsters in Class 5 even discussing the differences between Begum Kutubunnesa and Begum Humayunnesa, our two great national leaders." Indeed, it is true. We at Joruri Khobor are proud to announce that Bangladesh is now the most democratic country in Asia. The average voting age is down to 16 years old, thanks to our wondrous population output and recent decreases in infant mortality rates.

Vote counting will not start until 10pm, even though 100% votes were already cast. CEC spokesmen said it was because all personnel at the polling centres were being paid on an hourly basis. He added that designated vote counters were still collecting interest and it was only after the assessment of the monetary value of the interest will the votes be counted. Both political parties--I am referring, of course, to Bangladesh Moulik Committee or BMC and Deshpremik Dol, are expecting 100% of the votes to be for their candidates.

"This is democracy in action", said Begum Humayunnesa of Deshpremik Dol.

PICTURED: Young voters, age 12.