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Sunday, April 19, 2009

Hilary Clinton’s “Shubho Nobo Borsho” causes PM to start Spoken English classes

Jhikatola Bus Stand, Dhaka: On 14 April, US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton said “Shubho Nobo Borsho” to observers of bongabdo 1416 all around the world, reportedly causing great consternation to our great Prime Minister, Begum Humayunnesa.

Apparently, Begum Humayunnesa took Secretary Clinton’s well-intentioned wishes as a personal challenge against her own inability to speak English. “Beti nijere ki paise?”, the Prime Minister was quoted as saying. “Shali betago moton shirt pant poira hup hup koira hatlei ki kisu hoiya gelo? Biya to korse oi kamuker bacchare. Shami ek dike shudhu shobaire hataite cheshta kore, bou arek dike Bangla koye. Amare ki dekhaite ashche?” (Translation: “What has the woman herself got? Sister-in-law thinks she can walk like a man in shirt pant saying hup hup and she is something? She married the son of a pervert. Husband is always try to touching everybody, wife is on the other hand trying to speak Bengali. What is she wanting show me?” Special thanks to the Bangladesh Govt. Translation Service.)

Our most esteemed Prime Minister has therefore decided to enroll at a special Spoken English class taught by the most accomplished English speakers in the country. The curriculum was designed by renowned poet Qaiyyum Chowdhury, Professor of English at North Yaille University of Kampuchia in Dhaka, and heading the pronunciation team is Samosa Khan, a 9th grade student of Green Herald School.

Begum Humayunnesa’s aim is to be able to say “Happy New Year” to Hilary Clinton on January 1, 2010.

Preliminary reports are worrying. Though it’s only been 5 days since the incident and Begum Humayunnesa’s near-immediate training course, the going is clearly difficult. Our PM works a 2 hour day deciding policy, as well as an additional 5 hours meeting with dignitaries, signing documents, and so on. After that, to spend 2 hours trying to learn a new language at her age is difficult. Samosa Khan said “Yo, like, Humayunnesa Auntie’s all whack, Imma gonna get her to get Gossip Girl DVDs from Fahim’s, letz c whatz da hapz”. Professor Quaiyyum said: “April is the cruelest month”.

However, we still hope that by July, Begum Humayunnesa will be able to master “Hello, how are you?” to say to the SAARC heads of state. By November, daily dress rehearsals will be held.
The complete message Begum Humayunnesa expects to say to Secretary of State Hilary Clinton was composed by Professor Quaiyyum, and it is this: “Thank you for your kind gesture in April. On behalf of my country Bangladesh, I would like to wish you and your country America a very happy new year.”

What other ramifications does this have? If by 2010 our beloved PM is speaking English, will this herald a new era for international communications? What will she say to Queen Elizabeth? Will she learn Russian next, or Chinese? The world of international diplomacy is abuzz with questions.

Samosa Khan has a different plan, however. “If our Prime Minister Auntie is speaking English by 2010, we should have her gangsta rapping by 2013!”

PICTURED: Bill Clinton would not only rather receive fellatio from Monica Lewinsky but also a dog before he would want it from Hillary, the English-speaking showoff!