Bangladesh Sneers at Barack Obama

It should be remembered that we Bangladeshis are critical of non-democratic processes. Our leaders come from political families whose backgrounds in leadership and inherited prestige give them an upper hand in running our country. The Americans, our brothers in democracy (but our enemies in being non-Muslim) have elected a man with very little family background in politics. Yet, he is not all bad.

Barack Obama is a man who has many exemplary qualities that all of us should aspire to. For example, he is not George Bush. This single virtue should be enough to make Americans grateful to him. For eight years, they wished for a President who was not George Bush, and even went to the length of not voting for him, but their wishes did not come true until now. However, it is an unquestionable truth that Barack Obama is not George Bush.

We at Joruri Khobor ask: is being not George Bush enough to make a good President? He might be good enough for America, but he's not good enough for us. Here are the reasons why.

a) Barack Obama is the first black president of the United States. Good for you, America! But we have had halwa-colored Presidents and Prime Ministers for thirty eight years! You can brag about how you have a President who is not a white man, but our ruler, the most beloved Bongokhalamma Begum Humayunnesa, is neither white nor a man!

b) Barack Obama ran a grassroots campaign and raised money, in small amounts, from an unprecedented number of people. Nigga please. Tengku Rahman, the third cousin of the nation (twice removed, especially after the last government), set up a system where every bus travelling from Dhaka to Narayanganj paid him five takas per ticket sold. Compared to that, Mr. Barack so-called Hussein Obama is nothing.

c) Barack Obama started off at a community college and went on to study in Columbia and Harvard Universities. Most Bangladeshi politicians begin their studies at community centers and often travel to Colombo and in some cases get degrees from Harvard International University, Jhikatola (not affiliated with Harvard University).

d) Barack Obama inspired record numbers of people to vote for the first time. As you will know from reading Joruri Khobor, Bangladesh is the most democratic country in the world, and Barack Obama's tinpot democracy does not impress us. Our elections get 100% voter turnouts. As a matter of fact, this past election, Deshpremik Dol got 120% votes, exceeding the number of people who are currently alive in Bangladesh. We believe that the number of votes is a reflection of people's faith in Deshpremik Dol.

This was a Joruri Khobor exclusive report.

PICTURED: Barack Hussein Obama as simply Hussein the Bangladeshi.

Casper the Friendly Ghost Declared Foreign Minister

Casper, the friendly ghost, has been declared Foreign Minister by Prime Minister and CEO Begum Humayunnesa. This is regarded as a good decision by the economic analysts at Joruri Khobor, because this will prove to foreign nations that Bangladesh is transparent in its intentions but can also get aggressive if necessary.

Kaiser Saddam, resident patient and Greek interpreter for Joruri Khobor, said: "This is a canny move involving an uncanny spirit. It's a natural gesture towards a supernatural being. Begum Humayunnesa loves her spirits. This is clearly the influence of Humayunnesa's son DJ. DJ is of course the grandson of the nation and has recently completed his Master's thesis on Barrack Obama, whose campaign he studied by watching CNN. He is a student of Canada School of Government."

This move is being lauded by all major international powers and supernatural creatures. Mamdo Bhoot, king of ghosts, said, "The best thing about appointing the ghost of Sheikh Istiaq is that he appeals to two demographic groups, that is to say, those who like music and those who are superstitious. Plus, it also fits the major requirement for all Bangladeshi foreign ministers. The concept of what they are required to do is foreign to them."

Begum Humayunnesa was smiling when she declared the news to the press. "People call me crazy," said our beloved Netri apa, "But I'm really just crazy for Bangladesh!"

PICTURED: The plucky Casper plays a prank on Putin by touching his bald head at the UN Summit. President Bush, one of the few UN representatives who believes in ghosts, is apalled.

Hyder Husyn Angry at Not Becoming Shorkari Officer

EXCLUSIVE UPDATE

Hyder Husyn: Amake chara chalabe ei desh shaddho kar babar?
Begum Humayunnesa: Amar.

Hyder Husyn, well-known shomaj-shebok, philanthropist, deshpremik, patriot, rockstar and gayok, is furious. He was an outspoken critic of the previous government and Bangladesh Moulik Committee, though he never said anything directly. However, the new government, led by Deshpremik Dol, has not appointed him in any executive capacity yet. We at Joruri Khobor are holding our breath to see where the government fits this paragon.

Hyder Husyn held a press conference to air his grievances. "When i wrote songs decrying the corrupt morality of various regulating bodies and policewomen in tight uniforms, I did not do so with any expectation. However, I felt that the new government owes me a position. Perhaps a cultural ministership, or the National Surveyor of Sari. I would be an asset to any government, and if the Bangladeshi one seems recalcitrant, then I may well take my guitar and harmonium to Maldovia and write patriotic songs exorting their youth to new heights." Nobel laureate Professor Younus was also present behind Mr. Husyn, playing an electric drum machine.

He then led the crowd in a rousing performance of his old hit, "Mon Ki Je Chaye".

Mon ki je chaye bolo
Montritto laage bhalo
Ei montritto badha manena
Ki jani keno janina!

Begum Humayunnesa has responded angrily to Mr. Husyn's complaints. "What does he think, that I will give him a government post simply because he plays difficult chords? Not so! Mr. Husyn has no governmental experience. While it is also true that nobody in my cabinet actually does, at least they acknowledge that the vote of the people is a manifestation of Divine Will. Mr. Husyn is too independent, he is not a team player. He will take months off to record new hit albums. And worst of all, he uses a Welsh spelling of the name Hossain".

Joruri Khobor's expert analysts feel that Hyder Husyn may finally truthfully mean it when he sings, "Ami phaissha gecchi".

PICTURED: Hyder Husyn speaking on his position, with his biggest supporter, Professor Younus, playing a drum machine in the background.

Opposition Party and FDC fighting over Blagojevich

Rod Blagojevich, the American with the cough-like name, is being courted by certain parties in Bangladesh.

Political analyst Khokon Bass says, "Blagojevich, in spite of his name, faith and nationality, actually portrays the roister-doistering, thrust-and-parry political style that is more in tune with Bangladesh than with America. It's a rat race and he is a fat cat. It's a dog eat dog world and he is a son of a bitch."

Well spoken, Khokon! Opposition party leader Begum Kutubunnesa, mother-in-law to the country and CEO of Bangladesh Moulik Committee or BMC, said in a recent press conference: "Now that the police have thrown eggs at my nephews, they don't want to enter politics anymore. They are more interested in X-Box and illegal international bank accounts. Blagojevich has the kind of strategizing and maneuvering skills that I feel exemplify BMC's style. Plus, he has hair just like mine. I am dying to use his perming machine and I doubt I would get it if he were sent to jail in America."

But while Begum Kutubunnesa has her sights set on Blagojevich, so does a certain non-political but very influential industry: FDC! Upon being interviewed, famous FDC extra Nirob Bhuiyan said: "With Ilias Kanchon getting boring and old, and Monowar Hussain Dipjol in jail, we stand a very real chance of losing the public's interest. Blagojevich can fill that gap. He is, first of all, whiter in skintone than even Salman Shah. Secondly, he is like Raja in the movie Sheersho Shontrashi--he is both a hero and a villain. Like an anti-hero or rather, to use the proper term, hillain. His hair and his spoken English will take him far in the Dhaliwood industry."

Whether or not Blagojevich joins politics or movies, it seems like he has a fun life ahead of him! And here he was trying to sell a black man's leavings.

PICTURED: Blagojevich's first possible movie. A sound career choice? We at JK think so!