Prithibita ekta railgari, cholche to cholche to cholche!

Friday, March 27, 2009

26 March "Freedom to Party" disco night a rip-roaring success

By Arif "Prism" Shaikat, Society Correspondent

International IC Club, Gulshan, 26 March 2009. Golden Aura Entertainment brings a hot hot night of partying down to the guys and dolls of Dhaka City. The Freedom to Party gala event celebrated 26th March, which is the anniversary of that famous day in 1973 when the Colonel Z dropped mad rhymes on behalf of our great national leader, "Shake" M Rahman. The party was held for residents of Gulshan and Baridhara only, although guests were allowed from Banani and the DOHS areas as long as they brought girls with them.

Michael Karim, owner of Golden Aura Entertainment, said "Yo. Freedom's a tight thing. But what's fuckin' freedom if you don't got the freedom to party? This is why we've organized the most exclusive night of partyin' down since our 21st February Bros before Hos event, the Valentine's Day bash last month, or the New Year's Eve party before that: a night of boozin', schmoozin', and floozin'."

We socialites are certainly appreciative of Michael Karim, who shows us again that in spite of political instability, widespread poverty, and the recent BDR mutiny, we can still party like it's 2009.

But of course, as with everything else, there are detractors. Critics of Golden Aura Entertainment or GAE have said that throwing parties to commemorate dates like 21 February and 26 March miss the point of what it means to be Bangladeshi. They have pointed out that GAE's parties invariably involve drunkenness, drunk driving, and violence. Golden Aura's parties also have an age disparity, where men in their mid-thirties often harass and try to seduce impressionable, scantily-clad girls in their late teens. Michael Karim has been accused of corruption, sycophancy, date rape, and lowbrow tastes in clothing.

Michael Karim responds: "Chill. I simply provide a service: the opportunity to GET DOWN. If you don't want to party with me, you're most welcome to stay at home and lock up your daughters. But I'm the voice of sanity, I'm the cool kid, and I think that it's better for young guns to let off steam at my parties than do Yabba."

Whatever your point of view, one thing is certain: when it comes to shakin' booty, there are none who do it better than the Babes of Bengal, and the place to do it is with Michael Karim!

PICTURED: A party-goer in fancy dress.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


By Sajjad “Stu” Rahman, Foreign Correspondent

Westland, MI.

Loyal readers of Joruri Khobor may recall that your humble correspondent was the first reporter to break news of Deshi Dogs, a Chicago area business importing Bangladeshi nationals for Americans unable to afford dogs or cats. A rarity in these days of economic despair, Deshi Dogs seemed an enterprise demonstrating the ingenuity of its founders, Johnny Talukder and Moushum “Moz” Mustakeen.

Showing the courage and forward-thinking entrepreneurship always distinguishing people of Subcontinental descent, Deshi Dogs appeared a genuine American success story—for what is more Baseball and Apple Pie than darkies in a mutually beneficial servitude to their White masters?

Alas, that fateful Dictum of Dhaka Life has proven universally true—no matter the social event or setting, there will always be one Bengali that ruins everything.

In a shocking twist of events, Bupu, the very first Deshi Dog sold, has staged a violent revolt against his American owners, injuring two people, killing seven chickens and causing at least $5000 (US) in property damage to cars.

Bupu’s owners, Mr. and Mrs. Fastenblast, of Westland, Michigan, purchased their pet in August. “We didn’t have money for a dog, but Deshi Dogs said Bupu was almost as good as a poodle. He liked us from the get-go, always happy to chase a rubber ball whenever Mother threw it into the grass. But then he turned sour. Look at my arm. No dog would do this,” said Mr. Fastenblast, one of the two people injured by Bupu, as he displayed a series of seven bite marks smeared with feces and marinated with urine.

Mrs. Fastenblast, who was not injured in the attack, was unable to hold back her tears as she discussed Bupu. “He was like my brown, ugly child,” she said, holding photographs of happier times.

So, what happened?

Exact details remain hazy, but it appears that after half a year of captivity, Bupu remembered his in life in Bangladesh. Mr. Fastenblast says the trouble began when Bupu asked to be read the original Joruri Khobor article about Deshi Dogs. The description of the Deshi Dog known as “Kim Kardashian” sounded a disharmonious chord within Bupu, and when Mr. Fastenblast finished reading, he says that his Deshi Dog remained uncharacteristically silent for hours.

Finally, at midnight, Bupu accosted Mrs. Fastenblast. Although unable to recall his exact words, she says he said something akin to, “Alone, bad! Friend, good! Kim Kardashian. Like me. Woman…. Friend… Wife…”

“I didn’t know what he meant,” said Mrs. Fastenblast. “Usually when Bupu talked we didn’t pay any mind—mostly he asked if it was okay to defecate in the house. He never could understand that in America people don’t go number two on the carpet. ”

Mrs. Fastenblast went to sleep. The next morning, she woke to the screaming of her husband.

In his own words, Mr. Fastenblast says, “When I came down into the kitchen, every single wall and window was smeared with feces, and a big puddle of urine was on the kitchen table. Bupu was standing in the middle of it all, naked and drooling. He had a crazy look in his eye. I asked him what he was doing, but all he would say is “debir podochummone ami mogno.” I don’t understand that monkey talk, so I yelled at him to sit down. That’s when he came over and bit me. I’m not a young man. I fell over in pain. That’s when he held me down and wiped his behind on my wounds and urinated on me.”

Leaving Mr. Fastenblast in the kitchen, Bupu ran into the backyard where he attacked the family’s chicken coop, breaking the wings of nearly all the birds, and biting the heads off seven. His face streaming with avian blood, Bupu ran to the front yard where he encountered John Stoutly, a neighborhood mailman.

“As a postal worker,” says Stoutly, “I encounter a lot of hostile pets. You get good at calming animals down, but nothing prepared me for a blood smeared, shit-assed Bangladeshi peasant.”

Stoutly says Bupu pushed him to the ground and kicked him while screaming, “Free Party mayere bap, Communism khaape khap!” After beating Stoutly, Bupu picked up a stick and smashed the headlights and windshields of every car on the Fastenblast’s street, leaving behind a wake of broken glass and dented metal.

Bupu has been missing for five days. Authorities followed his trail but lost the path of human feces when it crisscrossed with a homeless encampment in nearby Detroit. When the owners of Deshi Dogs were contacted with the news of the escape and attack, they denied that Bupu had ever married Kim Kardashian. “Absolutely not,” said Mr. Mustakeen. “There is no connection between the two. We would never split a pair.”

Bupu’s whereabouts are the daily topic of conversation in the barbershops and beauty parlors of Westland—some people, including the Fastenblasts, believe that he is on his way to find Kim Kardashian. Others wonder how long a Bangladeshi can survive without White masters providing food and water. Many believe that Bupu has perished already, a victim of his own rebellious nature, like the figure of Satan in the poetry of John Milton.

Gentle reader, you may rest assured that whatever the fate of Bupu, Joruri Khobor and your humble correspondent will spare no resources in following the long, dark trail of human feces to its very end—or should we say beginning?

Monday, March 9, 2009

Bangladesh bans Youtube: "Govt to remain focused on serious issues" says Humayunnessa

Chondrima Phuchka Stall, Chandni Chowk: Begum Humayunnessa outlined the basis of her government policy and style. The most important message she had to say to her fifteen crore admirers is that the GOB or Government of Bangladesh will remain focused on serious issues, the ones that really matter.

"We came to power by positioning ourselves as an alternative to the corrupt regime of Deshpremik Dol and the non-corrupt Army-run government. We promised to tread the middle ground of non-corrupt incompetence and corrupt incompetence. And I think that we have succeeded," said Begum Humayunnessa. "Our most important achievement thus far has been the blocking of immoral Western video site Youtube, and the citizenship cancelation of Bangladeshi Youtube co-creator Jawed Karim." This was received with widespread applause.

The only note of protest was from an effeminate Daily Star reporter with a British accent. He said, "I have been raised in the UK, and I think that the government should concentrate on fixing the myriad problems besieging our country right now. For example, the BDR perpetrators have not yet been brought to justice."

Humayunnessa's spokesperson translated her response: "First things first. There are criminals from three decades ago that we need to catch. We will punish the BDR perpetrators in due time, by 2045." It should also be noted that she has hired special investigators from the RIAA of America, and Swedish-American rocker Lars Ulrich, to head the BDR investigation.

Perhaps there is a secret motive behind all this. Rumors abound that the main reason for the YouTube banning is an overabundance of Hanif Shongket videos which were infringing on his copyrights. We at Joruri Khobor consulted our internet expert, Mollik "Mash" Mustafiz. He said "The nature of the internet is such that banning one site cannot suppress media. Digital duplication allows us all to act as virtual file servers. We can mirror these files anywhere we wish and confuse the government simply by renaming or re-encoding the files from Pirated_Ittadi.mpg to Chayachondo.mpg. We cannot, however, duplicate Mr. Shongket's genius in giving J R Ewing's a Noakhali accent."

To prove his point, he has even linked the Ittadi episodes in question on this link. We at Joruri Khobor laugh for after all here is a man who named himself after a TV show that has been off air for ages!

Begum Humayunnessa will be broadcasting her speeches via Radio Foorti, now that YouTube is gone. She also said "If these YouTube files are mirrored anywhere else, I will ban those sites too! I can ban any site I want and after all, it is the government that puts the Ban in Bangladesh."

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Hotel Al-Habibi going strong in spite of recent crises

Hotel Al-Habibi, Dhanmandi: The BDR mutiny has been the cause of many a tragedy. The BDR Annual Officer's Gala has been postponed till April, which is the projected time frame for justice being achieved. Abahani's fans have missed out on watching their favorite football team practice. Beautiful women put up black ribbons on their Facebook pictures, stopping me, Akkel Khan, from adding them as friends and calling them "saxxy". In short, Dhaka—and especially Dhanmandi—was taken back to a time in the past, when bloodshed and violence was the norm. We are of course talking about 1998, before Dhanmandi Lake was restored and the romantics regained their dating spot.

But every cloud has a silver lining, and today Joruri Khobor is doing an article on Hotel Al-Habibi, favorite dining spot of stars and CNG drivers alike. Why are we ignoring serious political issues to talk about a roadside kabab store? Perhaps it is because we owe the owner money, or perhaps it is because they have found a unique business model and menu selection!

Mr. Rushtom Arefeen Regan, sole proprietor of Hotel Al-Habibi, says: "We first came into business in the year 2000. We found a niche in the market. We sold kababs that were so cheap that people would never question their sourcing. Rather, they would enjoy the fine taste of our spice blend and refer their friends to come partake in the novel dining experience." Mr. Regan's business model has definitely succeeded, because he began as a single chef toiling away above an open drain, and now he employs seven children.

"People see it as a sort of challenge, to guess at the content of our kababs. Because face it, how can a man, no matter how noble his thought, sell a kabab at 1 Taka per kabab when even the ruti is 2 Takas?" Mr. Regan asks. In fact, the mystery ingredient has become such a point of discussion that, for a period of a year, Mr. Regan held a weekly contest where the person to guess the secret ingredient in the kabab would get free kababs for the night. "People thought dung and rat were joke entries. All I'm saying was, a little bit of Monica in my life, a little bit of Erica by my side." The contest was discontinued once the public realized that Stoplite, Hotel Al-Habibi's advertising agency, always designed the questionnaires with things like "love" and "talent" and "hard work" as the winning answer.

Today, however, Mr. Arefeen Regan has a new secret ingredient. “Any Tom, Doulat and Hashem can tell you that the first thing to do with a corpse is to check for watches, rings, precious metal teeth, and in some cases, boots. But real entrepreneurship begins in taking a resource that is worthless to the supplier, and turning it into a product that is highly valued by consumers. To this end, I have found a novel and profitable way to dispose of the sudden surplus of corpses flooding the market.”

Most of Hotel Al-Habibi’s patrons are willing to eat rat for the novelty and spicy taste of a 1 Taka kabab, but most of the hobbyists are drawing the line at cannibalism. “I don’t get it, man!” says Bassbaba Sumon, celebrity endorser. “I like finger food as much as the next homie, but I don’t want fingers in my food yo!”

In response, Rushtom Arefeen Regan has made the following argument: “Well, I am not the one producing corpses. They can be found in ditches, in the sewers, in the riverbanks. I am simply taking a publicly available resource and reusing it for the greater good. If you don’t want to eat it, that’s fine. But we’ve been able to drop prices by 50% and business has never been better.”

PICTURED: Do you really want us to go there?