Government discovers Bhasha Andolon actually took place on 22nd February

Godaipur, Khulna: A government-sponsored research team has discovered a glaring flaw in our historical records. Up till now, the Bhasha Andolon Dibosh or Language Revolution Day was believed to have taken place on 21st February 1952. However, according to the Historical Ontological Genuineness Association or HOGA, the actual date of the Bhasha Andolon is 22 February 1953. HOGA is of course responsible for the recent historical corrections and renamings that have been taking place under the new government.

Professor Jackson Jahangir, Chairman of HOGA, says: “The events of the Bhasha Andolon actually took place on 22nd February, 1953. And, I know this sounds strange, but the martyrs who gave their lives on that defining day of Bangladeshi history were not called Salam, Barkat, Rafiq, Sofiur, or Jabbar. Their names were actually Monowar, Tanvir, Fahad, Shahriar, and James. This is historical fact. I don’t know why all these history books, newspapers, television channels, and peoples’ memories got it wrong. Must be some kind of mass delusion.”

Indeed, the HOGA, formed under the auspices of our beloved and sane Begum Humayunnesa of Deshpremik Dol, has discovered many such glaring errors in our nation’s historical continuity. Supporters of this new government program compare our record-keeping to the movie The Matrix, where a set of computer programs create an illusion that is shared by many humans. The only difference is that instead of a struggle between good and evil and organic life versus inorganic nonlife, what Bangladesh faces is a struggle between incompetence and stupidity.

Joruri Khobor caught up with Mohon Rana, a supporter of this new plan. “I think it’s a great thing that they have finally implemented a way for us to keep track of these things. I remember when we all forgot the name of Jamuna Bridge and the government had to gently remind us. It’s in our nature as Bangladeshis—we constantly forget things!”

Like every government innovation, this new discovery has its detractors. Renowned English editor Mahboob Kalam has lambasted HOGA for wanting to rename our only international airport. He said, “Isn’t it more important that decades of history be honored than some pen-pusher’s dream of entitlement be fulfilled? Do you think that you can say that the Bhasha Andolon took place on 22 February just because some guy says it did? If you rename the airport, will it change anything? Pilots and passengers alike will still call it the spittoon of South-East Asia. As Shakespeare said, What’s in a name? You can call actress Poppy by the name of Akmol and she will remain a delectable jiggling jello.”

In the meantime, Bangladeshi Moulik Party or BMP has issued an official warning; "If the government chooses to persist in their devious plan of changing the date for Omor Ekushey, then we shall change our Liberation Day to 27 March and Victory Day to 17 December. Be warned. Whatever the outcome may be, we at Joruri Khobor support the government. Surely this historical revision is the product of real research and not misguided propaganda from an uneducated and senile bunch of fools!

Pictured: government revisions of previous 21st February 1952 pictures.

Mujib murderers' execution cause labor troubles in Hell

Shantinogor, Dhaka: Reports have been flooding into the chambers of various djinn-dealing moulubis and hujurs. Since the execution of five of the murderers of Bangabandhu Sheikh Mujibur Rahman, the supernatural world has been in an uproar. Many supernatural beings are protesting this new development. One djinn was quoted to say: "We have had enough. Why must the scum of humanity be transferred into our plane of existence?"

The problem is twofold. In Hell, the neighborhood known as Little Bangladesh (not to be confused with Little Bangladesh, Los Angeles) is especially reviled. All other torture pits in Hell have armed guards, but Little Bangladesh do not have any form of security enclosure. The philosophy is that Bangladeshis will do anything to keep their own within their own circle of Hell, because anybody who gets out will put on airs. But--and herein lies the problem--child murderers and traitors are also similarly despised. With the execution of five child murdering Bangladeshi traitors, all Hell broke loose in Hell.

Azazel, a lowly minion of the fourth circle whose main duty is to gouge out the eyes of the lecherous, had this to say: "It's really simple--nobody wants to share Hell with these assholes. Syed Farooq Rahman, Sultan Shahriar Rashid Khan, Bazlul Huda, AKM Mohiuddin Ahmed and Mohiuddin Ahmed--they are not only child murderers, they are also Bengalis. And it's not the Bengali thing, that we can get over. But these people murdered, in cold blood, the entire family of the father of a new country. Look, I might work in Hell, but even I have shame. I don't want to touch these filthy creatures. It shames me to think that I--or any of my friends and colleagues--would have to think up tortures for these wretched beasts whose sins are beyond anything I could comprehend."

There is talk of a petition being signed by ethereal beings, in a committee led by Karaddajjal, the famous Knife-Daemon of Jahannam. Mr. Kharaddajjal says, "My duty is to hug sinners when they enter Hell. My body is made of knives, so when a sinner is hugged by me he or she is stabbed in all parts of their body. They feel the full weight and consequence of their actions on their soul. I am the face of Hell's torture." As the most recognized representative of Hell, Kharaddajjal has difficulty separating his professional and personal lives. "As you can imagine, it's difficult for me to make friends. I can't even shake someone's hand without causing them unimaginable agony. But I have never complained. It has all been in the service of Allah. Now, however, things have gone too far."

Mr. Kharaddajjal is using an online petition website to try and collect fifty million signatures of damned souls.

In the meantime, the upper management is being proactive. While Satan, the Lord of the Underworld, did not respond to our phone calls, we at Joruri Khobor have heard rumors that Hell is going to start recruiting new demons through online job hunt websites like BDJobs.com. One senior demon, Mr. Khondoker Danob, had this to say: "Well, think about it. We have a job to do. We can't really sit back and let Hell's economy suffer. We have souls to torture. So what if we have these five shitstains that are so filthy, shameless, wretched that even Hell's demons don't want to torture them. I know of a race that's willing to take the job on. Who am I talking about? Bangladeshis, of course! Those people have no shame, they'll do anything!!!!!" Mr. Khondoker Danob was getting visibly agitated at this time. "Sorry. It's just professional jealousy I guess. Because even we have some self-respect, some shame. But these people--well, all I'll say is, it took them 35 years to execute these assholes, didn't it?"

Farmer kills 83,000 rats, believing them to be Hindu

Ramgonj, Gazipur: The British Telegraph reports that Mokhairul Islam of Bahadurpara won a 14" color television for killing over 83,000 rats. The prize was awarded by the GOB as part of a program to eradicate all rats from Bangladesh.

Mokhairul Islam said, "This is a great honor for me. I didn't even know that I was participating in a government-sponsored contest! I thought the rats were Hindus. I only did my duty as a Muslim!"

Rats were originally introduced to Bangladesh by the World Food Programme in 1977 as a protein source, precursor to their Food For Work project. However, the Bangladeshi rat population grew to millions. Current estimates claim that rats consume 1.5 to 2 million tons of food, which is almost 70% of Bangladesh's total annual food import.

"The problem with these rats is not that they eat. All of Allah's creatures need food," said Sidem Al-Hussainy of the Ministry of Agriculture. "But Bangladesh is above all an Islamic Republic. It is unacceptable to have these Hindu rodents gnawing away at our food stores and spreading their polytheistic disease. Go back to India!"

The Hindu rat problem is not unique to Bangladesh. On October 15th, Bengali Muslims won another battle against infidels, when a part of Los Angeles formerly known as Koreatown was renamed to "Little Bangladesh". However, immediately after the document ratification, a vast population of Hindu rats were discovered in the neighborhood.

Is this a test of our faith? Is this an Indian conspiracy? Is this a message from above asking us to persevere in our beliefs and to kill Hindu rats? Only time will tell.

Video:

Government bans 84 pornographic websites, freeing Bangladesh of lewdness forever.

Titubajar, Borisal: According to XBiz Newswire, the GOB has banned 84 adult websites that featured "well-known Bangladeshi celebrities in obscene poses". We at Joruri Khobor come out of our vacation to congratulate the government on a timely and effective move. There is no doubt that this will bring an end to the perversion and lewdness that has plagued the country ever since the introduction of dialup online browsing in 2005.

The background of the story is quite simple: with the internet came obscene websites. Before the internet, one had to go through a lengthy process in order to procure pornography or any sort of obscene materials. As Ahsan Talukder said, "There used to be a bureaucratic dignity in obtaining smut. It was a good source of revenue for our printing industry. The government levied its 'informal taxes' in the form of bribes to the police. But thanks to the internet, there is smut everywhere, and nobody is benefiting from it."

With the internet having become the primary source of a young Bangladeshi's pornography, our cinema industry has also suffered. Monowar Hossain Dipjol, famous film producer, method actor and convicted murderer, thinks that the internet will ruin the talents of aspiring young artistes. "Every one of my music videos has high production values. In Kolshi Phuta Koira Dimu, there are four 35mm cameras being used in one scene alone. When Billu Dakat points his gun at the heroine and laughs, there is genuine emotion on my face. Do you think I could have learned this by browsing JoubonJala? No. It took me years of actual villainy to get to where I am."

There are detractors to the government's ban, as there are bound to be howling, scavenging dogs at every marriage feast. Some cynics say that since these websites are outside of the Bangladeshi government's jurisdiction, it will be relatively easy for webmasters to set up new pornographic websites. They say that today there are only 84 obscene websites on the internet, but tomorrow there may be 85, 86 or even a hundred. We sincerely hope that these detractors are shot.

Pictured: Munmun, in a non-obscene pose.

Bonus video:



Hilary Clinton’s “Shubho Nobo Borsho” causes PM to start Spoken English classes

Jhikatola Bus Stand, Dhaka: On 14 April, US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton said “Shubho Nobo Borsho” to observers of bongabdo 1416 all around the world, reportedly causing great consternation to our great Prime Minister, Begum Humayunnesa.

Apparently, Begum Humayunnesa took Secretary Clinton’s well-intentioned wishes as a personal challenge against her own inability to speak English. “Beti nijere ki paise?”, the Prime Minister was quoted as saying. “Shali betago moton shirt pant poira hup hup koira hatlei ki kisu hoiya gelo? Biya to korse oi kamuker bacchare. Shami ek dike shudhu shobaire hataite cheshta kore, bou arek dike Bangla koye. Amare ki dekhaite ashche?” (Translation: “What has the woman herself got? Sister-in-law thinks she can walk like a man in shirt pant saying hup hup and she is something? She married the son of a pervert. Husband is always try to touching everybody, wife is on the other hand trying to speak Bengali. What is she wanting show me?” Special thanks to the Bangladesh Govt. Translation Service.)

Our most esteemed Prime Minister has therefore decided to enroll at a special Spoken English class taught by the most accomplished English speakers in the country. The curriculum was designed by renowned poet Qaiyyum Chowdhury, Professor of English at North Yaille University of Kampuchia in Dhaka, and heading the pronunciation team is Samosa Khan, a 9th grade student of Green Herald School.

Begum Humayunnesa’s aim is to be able to say “Happy New Year” to Hilary Clinton on January 1, 2010.

Preliminary reports are worrying. Though it’s only been 5 days since the incident and Begum Humayunnesa’s near-immediate training course, the going is clearly difficult. Our PM works a 2 hour day deciding policy, as well as an additional 5 hours meeting with dignitaries, signing documents, and so on. After that, to spend 2 hours trying to learn a new language at her age is difficult. Samosa Khan said “Yo, like, Humayunnesa Auntie’s all whack, Imma gonna get her to get Gossip Girl DVDs from Fahim’s, letz c whatz da hapz”. Professor Quaiyyum said: “April is the cruelest month”.

However, we still hope that by July, Begum Humayunnesa will be able to master “Hello, how are you?” to say to the SAARC heads of state. By November, daily dress rehearsals will be held.
The complete message Begum Humayunnesa expects to say to Secretary of State Hilary Clinton was composed by Professor Quaiyyum, and it is this: “Thank you for your kind gesture in April. On behalf of my country Bangladesh, I would like to wish you and your country America a very happy new year.”

What other ramifications does this have? If by 2010 our beloved PM is speaking English, will this herald a new era for international communications? What will she say to Queen Elizabeth? Will she learn Russian next, or Chinese? The world of international diplomacy is abuzz with questions.

Samosa Khan has a different plan, however. “If our Prime Minister Auntie is speaking English by 2010, we should have her gangsta rapping by 2013!”

PICTURED: Bill Clinton would not only rather receive fellatio from Monica Lewinsky but also a dog before he would want it from Hillary, the English-speaking showoff!

26 March "Freedom to Party" disco night a rip-roaring success

By Arif "Prism" Shaikat, Society Correspondent

International IC Club, Gulshan, 26 March 2009. Golden Aura Entertainment brings a hot hot night of partying down to the guys and dolls of Dhaka City. The Freedom to Party gala event celebrated 26th March, which is the anniversary of that famous day in 1973 when the Colonel Z dropped mad rhymes on behalf of our great national leader, "Shake" M Rahman. The party was held for residents of Gulshan and Baridhara only, although guests were allowed from Banani and the DOHS areas as long as they brought girls with them.

Michael Karim, owner of Golden Aura Entertainment, said "Yo. Freedom's a tight thing. But what's fuckin' freedom if you don't got the freedom to party? This is why we've organized the most exclusive night of partyin' down since our 21st February Bros before Hos event, the Valentine's Day bash last month, or the New Year's Eve party before that: a night of boozin', schmoozin', and floozin'."

We socialites are certainly appreciative of Michael Karim, who shows us again that in spite of political instability, widespread poverty, and the recent BDR mutiny, we can still party like it's 2009.

But of course, as with everything else, there are detractors. Critics of Golden Aura Entertainment or GAE have said that throwing parties to commemorate dates like 21 February and 26 March miss the point of what it means to be Bangladeshi. They have pointed out that GAE's parties invariably involve drunkenness, drunk driving, and violence. Golden Aura's parties also have an age disparity, where men in their mid-thirties often harass and try to seduce impressionable, scantily-clad girls in their late teens. Michael Karim has been accused of corruption, sycophancy, date rape, and lowbrow tastes in clothing.

Michael Karim responds: "Chill. I simply provide a service: the opportunity to GET DOWN. If you don't want to party with me, you're most welcome to stay at home and lock up your daughters. But I'm the voice of sanity, I'm the cool kid, and I think that it's better for young guns to let off steam at my parties than do Yabba."

Whatever your point of view, one thing is certain: when it comes to shakin' booty, there are none who do it better than the Babes of Bengal, and the place to do it is with Michael Karim!

PICTURED: A party-goer in fancy dress.

DESHI DOG BUPU STAGES SEPIA MUTINY

By Sajjad “Stu” Rahman, Foreign Correspondent

Westland, MI.

Loyal readers of Joruri Khobor may recall that your humble correspondent was the first reporter to break news of Deshi Dogs, a Chicago area business importing Bangladeshi nationals for Americans unable to afford dogs or cats. A rarity in these days of economic despair, Deshi Dogs seemed an enterprise demonstrating the ingenuity of its founders, Johnny Talukder and Moushum “Moz” Mustakeen.

Showing the courage and forward-thinking entrepreneurship always distinguishing people of Subcontinental descent, Deshi Dogs appeared a genuine American success story—for what is more Baseball and Apple Pie than darkies in a mutually beneficial servitude to their White masters?

Alas, that fateful Dictum of Dhaka Life has proven universally true—no matter the social event or setting, there will always be one Bengali that ruins everything.

In a shocking twist of events, Bupu, the very first Deshi Dog sold, has staged a violent revolt against his American owners, injuring two people, killing seven chickens and causing at least $5000 (US) in property damage to cars.

Bupu’s owners, Mr. and Mrs. Fastenblast, of Westland, Michigan, purchased their pet in August. “We didn’t have money for a dog, but Deshi Dogs said Bupu was almost as good as a poodle. He liked us from the get-go, always happy to chase a rubber ball whenever Mother threw it into the grass. But then he turned sour. Look at my arm. No dog would do this,” said Mr. Fastenblast, one of the two people injured by Bupu, as he displayed a series of seven bite marks smeared with feces and marinated with urine.

Mrs. Fastenblast, who was not injured in the attack, was unable to hold back her tears as she discussed Bupu. “He was like my brown, ugly child,” she said, holding photographs of happier times.

So, what happened?

Exact details remain hazy, but it appears that after half a year of captivity, Bupu remembered his in life in Bangladesh. Mr. Fastenblast says the trouble began when Bupu asked to be read the original Joruri Khobor article about Deshi Dogs. The description of the Deshi Dog known as “Kim Kardashian” sounded a disharmonious chord within Bupu, and when Mr. Fastenblast finished reading, he says that his Deshi Dog remained uncharacteristically silent for hours.

Finally, at midnight, Bupu accosted Mrs. Fastenblast. Although unable to recall his exact words, she says he said something akin to, “Alone, bad! Friend, good! Kim Kardashian. Like me. Woman…. Friend… Wife…”

“I didn’t know what he meant,” said Mrs. Fastenblast. “Usually when Bupu talked we didn’t pay any mind—mostly he asked if it was okay to defecate in the house. He never could understand that in America people don’t go number two on the carpet. ”

Mrs. Fastenblast went to sleep. The next morning, she woke to the screaming of her husband.

In his own words, Mr. Fastenblast says, “When I came down into the kitchen, every single wall and window was smeared with feces, and a big puddle of urine was on the kitchen table. Bupu was standing in the middle of it all, naked and drooling. He had a crazy look in his eye. I asked him what he was doing, but all he would say is “debir podochummone ami mogno.” I don’t understand that monkey talk, so I yelled at him to sit down. That’s when he came over and bit me. I’m not a young man. I fell over in pain. That’s when he held me down and wiped his behind on my wounds and urinated on me.”

Leaving Mr. Fastenblast in the kitchen, Bupu ran into the backyard where he attacked the family’s chicken coop, breaking the wings of nearly all the birds, and biting the heads off seven. His face streaming with avian blood, Bupu ran to the front yard where he encountered John Stoutly, a neighborhood mailman.

“As a postal worker,” says Stoutly, “I encounter a lot of hostile pets. You get good at calming animals down, but nothing prepared me for a blood smeared, shit-assed Bangladeshi peasant.”

Stoutly says Bupu pushed him to the ground and kicked him while screaming, “Free Party mayere bap, Communism khaape khap!” After beating Stoutly, Bupu picked up a stick and smashed the headlights and windshields of every car on the Fastenblast’s street, leaving behind a wake of broken glass and dented metal.

Bupu has been missing for five days. Authorities followed his trail but lost the path of human feces when it crisscrossed with a homeless encampment in nearby Detroit. When the owners of Deshi Dogs were contacted with the news of the escape and attack, they denied that Bupu had ever married Kim Kardashian. “Absolutely not,” said Mr. Mustakeen. “There is no connection between the two. We would never split a pair.”

Bupu’s whereabouts are the daily topic of conversation in the barbershops and beauty parlors of Westland—some people, including the Fastenblasts, believe that he is on his way to find Kim Kardashian. Others wonder how long a Bangladeshi can survive without White masters providing food and water. Many believe that Bupu has perished already, a victim of his own rebellious nature, like the figure of Satan in the poetry of John Milton.

Gentle reader, you may rest assured that whatever the fate of Bupu, Joruri Khobor and your humble correspondent will spare no resources in following the long, dark trail of human feces to its very end—or should we say beginning?