Government discovers Bhasha Andolon actually took place on 22nd February

Godaipur, Khulna: A government-sponsored research team has discovered a glaring flaw in our historical records. Up till now, the Bhasha Andolon Dibosh or Language Revolution Day was believed to have taken place on 21st February 1952. However, according to the Historical Ontological Genuineness Association or HOGA, the actual date of the Bhasha Andolon is 22 February 1953. HOGA is of course responsible for the recent historical corrections and renamings that have been taking place under the new government.

Professor Jackson Jahangir, Chairman of HOGA, says: “The events of the Bhasha Andolon actually took place on 22nd February, 1953. And, I know this sounds strange, but the martyrs who gave their lives on that defining day of Bangladeshi history were not called Salam, Barkat, Rafiq, Sofiur, or Jabbar. Their names were actually Monowar, Tanvir, Fahad, Shahriar, and James. This is historical fact. I don’t know why all these history books, newspapers, television channels, and peoples’ memories got it wrong. Must be some kind of mass delusion.”

Indeed, the HOGA, formed under the auspices of our beloved and sane Begum Humayunnesa of Deshpremik Dol, has discovered many such glaring errors in our nation’s historical continuity. Supporters of this new government program compare our record-keeping to the movie The Matrix, where a set of computer programs create an illusion that is shared by many humans. The only difference is that instead of a struggle between good and evil and organic life versus inorganic nonlife, what Bangladesh faces is a struggle between incompetence and stupidity.

Joruri Khobor caught up with Mohon Rana, a supporter of this new plan. “I think it’s a great thing that they have finally implemented a way for us to keep track of these things. I remember when we all forgot the name of Jamuna Bridge and the government had to gently remind us. It’s in our nature as Bangladeshis—we constantly forget things!”

Like every government innovation, this new discovery has its detractors. Renowned English editor Mahboob Kalam has lambasted HOGA for wanting to rename our only international airport. He said, “Isn’t it more important that decades of history be honored than some pen-pusher’s dream of entitlement be fulfilled? Do you think that you can say that the Bhasha Andolon took place on 22 February just because some guy says it did? If you rename the airport, will it change anything? Pilots and passengers alike will still call it the spittoon of South-East Asia. As Shakespeare said, What’s in a name? You can call actress Poppy by the name of Akmol and she will remain a delectable jiggling jello.”

In the meantime, Bangladeshi Moulik Party or BMP has issued an official warning; "If the government chooses to persist in their devious plan of changing the date for Omor Ekushey, then we shall change our Liberation Day to 27 March and Victory Day to 17 December. Be warned. Whatever the outcome may be, we at Joruri Khobor support the government. Surely this historical revision is the product of real research and not misguided propaganda from an uneducated and senile bunch of fools!

Pictured: government revisions of previous 21st February 1952 pictures.

Mujib murderers' execution cause labor troubles in Hell

Shantinogor, Dhaka: Reports have been flooding into the chambers of various djinn-dealing moulubis and hujurs. Since the execution of five of the murderers of Bangabandhu Sheikh Mujibur Rahman, the supernatural world has been in an uproar. Many supernatural beings are protesting this new development. One djinn was quoted to say: "We have had enough. Why must the scum of humanity be transferred into our plane of existence?"

The problem is twofold. In Hell, the neighborhood known as Little Bangladesh (not to be confused with Little Bangladesh, Los Angeles) is especially reviled. All other torture pits in Hell have armed guards, but Little Bangladesh do not have any form of security enclosure. The philosophy is that Bangladeshis will do anything to keep their own within their own circle of Hell, because anybody who gets out will put on airs. But--and herein lies the problem--child murderers and traitors are also similarly despised. With the execution of five child murdering Bangladeshi traitors, all Hell broke loose in Hell.

Azazel, a lowly minion of the fourth circle whose main duty is to gouge out the eyes of the lecherous, had this to say: "It's really simple--nobody wants to share Hell with these assholes. Syed Farooq Rahman, Sultan Shahriar Rashid Khan, Bazlul Huda, AKM Mohiuddin Ahmed and Mohiuddin Ahmed--they are not only child murderers, they are also Bengalis. And it's not the Bengali thing, that we can get over. But these people murdered, in cold blood, the entire family of the father of a new country. Look, I might work in Hell, but even I have shame. I don't want to touch these filthy creatures. It shames me to think that I--or any of my friends and colleagues--would have to think up tortures for these wretched beasts whose sins are beyond anything I could comprehend."

There is talk of a petition being signed by ethereal beings, in a committee led by Karaddajjal, the famous Knife-Daemon of Jahannam. Mr. Kharaddajjal says, "My duty is to hug sinners when they enter Hell. My body is made of knives, so when a sinner is hugged by me he or she is stabbed in all parts of their body. They feel the full weight and consequence of their actions on their soul. I am the face of Hell's torture." As the most recognized representative of Hell, Kharaddajjal has difficulty separating his professional and personal lives. "As you can imagine, it's difficult for me to make friends. I can't even shake someone's hand without causing them unimaginable agony. But I have never complained. It has all been in the service of Allah. Now, however, things have gone too far."

Mr. Kharaddajjal is using an online petition website to try and collect fifty million signatures of damned souls.

In the meantime, the upper management is being proactive. While Satan, the Lord of the Underworld, did not respond to our phone calls, we at Joruri Khobor have heard rumors that Hell is going to start recruiting new demons through online job hunt websites like BDJobs.com. One senior demon, Mr. Khondoker Danob, had this to say: "Well, think about it. We have a job to do. We can't really sit back and let Hell's economy suffer. We have souls to torture. So what if we have these five shitstains that are so filthy, shameless, wretched that even Hell's demons don't want to torture them. I know of a race that's willing to take the job on. Who am I talking about? Bangladeshis, of course! Those people have no shame, they'll do anything!!!!!" Mr. Khondoker Danob was getting visibly agitated at this time. "Sorry. It's just professional jealousy I guess. Because even we have some self-respect, some shame. But these people--well, all I'll say is, it took them 35 years to execute these assholes, didn't it?"