US failure McCain calls Kutubunnesa, Kutubunnesa promises revolution

John McCain, the American who is famous for losing the Presidential Election to rising black Obama and having a beautiful wife, called Begum Kutubennesa to express his sorrow at her loss in this Election.

Speaking through a translator (for McCain is ignorant in Bangla), he said, "Begum, your joy is my joy, your sorrow is my sorrow. I had hoped that you would win the election. I even prayed for you to win but we all know what happens to those whose victory I pray. Bridget, my adopted Bangladeshi daughter, quite adores you, and as such I could not refuse to call. She is very strong and I was afraid she would run around the drawing room with her eyes closed and break our furniture."

The honorable Begum, mother-in-law of the nation, responded to McCain in English. "Thank you", she said. "Very good."

Begum Kutubunnesa, CEO of Bangladesh Moulik Committee or BMC, is planning a comeback. BMC was the worst-hit when the temporary government raided the bank accounts of politicians and non-elected party bigwigs, including Kutubunnesa's two favorite nephews. Kutubunnesa's plans include an immediate declaration of public revolt. It can be said that Kutubunnesa is revolting even now. Said the glorious opposition leader: "I do not believe that the Bangladeshi people know what is good for them. This is why it is my duty as mother-in-law to the nation to guide them. I do not know why they voted for Begum Humayunnesa, who is proven to be corrupt, craven, treacherous and uneducated. I will save my country and bring peace. We will make Bangladesh even more democratic! This is why I am proposing a pubic uprising against the government elect, and am declaring the month of January to be a hartal."

Begum Humayunnesa, CEO of Deshpremik Dol, proclaimed: "My party has been elected by the people, and we rule by divine right. I personally made sure that BMC members were issued printed invitations asking them to vote. However, a mistake at the printing press caused the Election Date to be printed as 3 January, 2009."

Titu Jahangir Accused of Honesty

Pithapara, Dec 29: Tolpar Jahangir Titu, populist candidate from BMC (Bangladesh Moulik Committee), has been accused of standing in the national elections without having bribed any party or government officials.

“Titu Jahangir has made a mockery of our democratic process. He will be excommunicated from the Party. This is not only a disgrace to the fine traditions set by Shahid Jobbar Ali, but also goes against the philosophy of Dhara Mahallah.” Begum Kutubunnesa said that once she is elected, she will hang Titu Jahangir or at the very least give him an ambassadorship to an unpleasant country.

When questioned, Titu said: “I am a patriot. I love my country. Begum Kutubunnesa is like a mother to me. I have never sinned against my country and I have never sinned against Begum Kutubunnesa. I can only hope and pray that the vilifiers who have poisoned our glorious leader’s ear with their calumnies will choke to death on the foul substance of their own evil, that they will see their wives and children burning in agony and shame. This is part of a conspiracy to undermine all true patriots. Why would I deprive my superiors of their tariff? Am I a gunda-panda from the streets? Am I just a thug? Was it not my hand that wielded the Molatovs that hurled against the tyrant’s glass window in the andolon 1990, shattering them and wounding his only daughter? Did I not face bullets for my Begum?”

The people of Pithapara have not been very communicative. Makhon Miah, resident of Pithapara for twelve generations, said “We don’t know who this Tolpar Titu is. He’s just here for the election. He’ll be gone again when it ends. Life goes on.” Just then, however, a moshaal micchil (procession with fire-torches) went past, with over three hundred and twenty people shouting “Amar bhai, tomar bhai, Titu bhaiyer mukti chai!” Titu is, however, not incarcerated at the present time.

This is not Tolpar’s first scandal, but it is his first major one.

PICTURED: Tolpar Jahangir Titu.