Valentine's Day and one boy's search for love

AKM Pavel Jonathan, Foujdarhat Cadet College: Valentine's Day is a day of excess propagated by American television shows like Baywatch. It excites our country's youth into taking liberties with the opposite sex. As such, it should be banned and outlawed. Unfortunately, this celebration of so-called non-marital, non-commercial "love" is like other Jewish conspiracies as Israel, George Bush, the concept of free speech, Warner Brothers, and Christianity (which is just another guise for heathen Jews to practice their black magic). It is an evil we must live with.

Being a student of Cadet College, I am not a stranger to love. I am, however, a stranger to most women aside from the usual psychosexual trinity of mother, sister, bua. Today, with a spirit of discovery and the usual joubonjala in my loins, I set out looking to find the secret of this crazy little thing called "love".

My first interviewee was Ferdous Sir, our games teacher and Cadet from the 37th Batch, Shahidullah House. I will present the interview in a question-answer format.

Q: Sir, what is love?

Ferdous Sir: That is a difficult question, the most difficult to answer. Perhaps we must look to the ancient philosopher Aristotle. He would walk about the gardens with his beloved students, much as you and I are doing right now.

Q: So, sir, are you saying that love is taught in the classroom?

Ferdous Sir: Perhaps not, although in love there is often a teacher and a student, much like you and I.

Q: Sir, are you saying that love is not just limited to men and women, but is a wider thing, such as friendship?

Ferdous Sir: My friend, love is definitely something that can happen between a boy and a man!

At this point, I realized that Ferdous Sir was possibly referring to what we Cadets call "Krittodasher Nirban" or the cry of a slave. This refers to a sweet-term who is made to do the bidding of his senior, in every manner possible including mouthal and anusal. Since I am a senior and not a sweet-term anymore, I ran away saying I had incomplete prayers.

I did not know any better what love means.

So I went to see the local poet, Abdul Hitlar Khokon, and find his opinions on love.

Q: Hitlar bhai, I have come to ask you a question.

Hitlar: As the bird's wings fly, so ask questions of the sky.

Q: No actually I want to ask about love.

Hitlar: Love is a feeling quench my desire, but sometimes love is a crow on the wire.

Q: Hitlar bhai, how does one find love?

Hitlar: One finds love not by looking, and love turns into marriage, cleaning and cooking.

Q: What do you think of love and the celebration of Valentine's Day?

Hitlar: Valentine's Day I met the love of my life! She was a tight maal but we were found out by my wife.

Q: Oh no! What did you do?

Hitlar: I gave my wife my child and a packet of mouri, she went back to her parents' and left me the dowry.

Q: Did you end up marrying the love of your life?

Hitlar: Yes, I did, and what a happy year! But the next Valentine's Day came true my worst fear.

Q: What happened?

Hitlar: I tore off a rojoni gondha, I said "Baby I am think of you", but alas her eyes wandered, and she found her true love too.

I learned the most important thing about LOVE. It is different things to different people. To our Ferdous Sir, love is the feeling of a tight boy's legs in the squash court. To Hitlar Khokon the poet, love is adultery.

But what is love to me? Who is the girl who will one day win my heart?

It is none other than Angelica, the mute girl from the famous telefilm OFFBEAT. In the telefilm, the members of Bangladeshi Creed cover band BLACK are lafangas who seek nothing but free Pepsi. (This telefilm is the most famous example of product placement achieving a negative effect in the third world, more so than the case of Marlboro-sponsored school uniforms that we have seen recently). They steal Pepsi, but Tahsan Khan steals the heart of the mute Angelica Alauddin, who is probably simple-minded as she cannot speak, and who also lacks the power to say no (also for the same reason). However, we find out that she cannot have Tahsan or ride his cycle to a place far away from captivity, as she is engaged to her brother Intikhab Dinar. Intikhab Dinar speaks two lines of English in this telefilm, including the immortal "I just love you" and "You have just screwed mewap". The telefilm also features a cameo by a short man in a Superman costume, most likely a hanger-on of the band BLACK.

The magic moment truly comes when Tahsan goes to offer Angelica a Hallmark card of love. She doesn't say yes, she doesn't say no (being mute). But her brother and fiance, Intikhab Dinar, explodes at Tahsan in English. But all is well--Tahsan does not find love but the two men shake hands and say "Happy Valentine's Day". This is the lesson we learn.

The fabulous clip is here:

PICTURED: Ferdous Sir, Abdul Hitlar Khokon, Tahsan

Top 10 Responses to Telling People You're Divorced

By Hunter-walli, Mohila Correspondent

1. (The case being that you're fairly young, female and Bangladeshi) Random nurse at a hospital remarking upon the fact that the former husband was very good looking (i.e. forsha) and the wife wasn't (i.e. kaalo), "It's a problem if you marry men who are too good looking. They don't want to stay with you for too long.

2. A "well-wishing" neighbor assuming that the wife was the dumped instead of the dumpee, "It happens. Men do go after prettier women after a while. Why don't you enroll in a gym?"

3. A relative of the former husband who had no idea of anything that had been happening, "Divorce? Oh, poor thing, he's alone now! I hope you left him the baby?"

4. A friend's mother, "I knew this was going to happen. Women should only wear saris after marriage and give up salwar kameezes."

5. A female relative, "Oh, how sad. You know, I told you three years ago to take another baby, and now there's no chance, you're stuck with one child."

6. A shocked newspaper editor on being told of the divorce and the causes (mental and physical abuse), "But are you sure about the physical abuse? Were you there?"

7. A (former) aunt-in-law, "Oh, that's okay. I'm sure he'll forgive you and take you back once the three months of iddat are over."

8. A college friend met after a gap of about ten years (in a wailing tone), "But I've just bought a wedding gift for you since I hadn't given you anything back then!"

9. A friend's (Jamaati) uncle: (Raised eyebrows, gunshot comments, each repeated for effect) "Oh!" Brief pause. Then. "Unfortunate, unfortunate, not to worry, not to worry, try again, try again!"

And the undoubted winner:

10. A police officer at the Thana while recording the information for a General Diary against the battering husband, "Oh, you want to do a GD, domestic violence." Looking up from the huge register book, "So are you married?"

PICTURED: May divorce be with you.

In the wake of economic collapse, Americans eye Bangladeshis as new, cheaper pets

by Sajjad “Stu” Rahman, Foreign Correspondent 

Rockford, IL. January 29. To the casual outsider, America’s most bizarre custom is the barbaric practice of granting animals free range inside the home without any intent of making a meal from their meat or sucking the marrow from their tiny bones. What the denizens of Dhaka call the Elephant Road Beefsteak is stateside likely to retain full control of its central nervous system and be given a pompous name like “Fuzzy” or “Garfield.” These creatures are customarily addressed as gentlemen of good social standing, and are categorized racially as “pets.”

In the last few months, the winds of change have begun their mighty bluster. Threatened with the complete collapse of their nation’s economic infrastructure, the citizens of the United States are scaling back spending on luxury products. The doldrums of money woe have impacted every consumer outlet in America, and the country’s $9.9B pet industry is among the hardest hit.

“We used to sell three dogs a day and maybe six cats,” says Mary Bloenfield, 39, the owner of Kats N Kuddles, a small pet store in Stull, Kansas. “Now we can’t move two animals a week. I don’t know what we’re going to do if these things keep piling up. Maybe eat them.”

While their money disappears, Americans maintain their premium on the horrible ennui of modern existence, a sensation best described in A-Level novel The Stranger by Albert Camus. Social scientists have long theorized that the American love for animals is the product of an emptiness that can be filled by no amount of decadence or sloth.

“People turn to animals because they’re lonely,” says Dr. Ralph Richman, a fully-tenured Professor of Sociology at UMass-Amherst. “The uncritical affection of an animal can lure a person into thinking that their existence maintains a shred of meaning or dignity. People want to own pets, even if they can’t afford them.”

Seeing an opportunity, two Rockford natives have formed a new business offering Americans the chance to adopt Bangladeshis. The two co-founders of Deshi Dogs, Johnny Talukder and Moushum “Moz” Mustakeen, traveled to Bangladesh in early September and secured the necessary business and governmental connections for the weekly importation of Bangladeshis of every shape and size.

Business is brisk. Mustakeen says he and Mr. Talukder encountered skepticism at first. Things turned around after customers saw the lovable round faces and thick noses endemic to Bengalis, and quickly realized that while a dog or a cat might be too expensive, they could own a beast almost as satisfying.

“Look,” says Mustakeen, “I’m not going to lie. They aren’t dogs. They aren’t cats. But Deshis are warm, docile and obey their masters’ commands. They’ll fetch your slippers, bring your paper and cuddle with you all night long. They’re great pets!” 

Some early adopters have discovered that owning a Bangladeshi brings unexpected benefits. Ronnie Starewitz, of Hamtramck, MI, one of Deshi Dogs’ first customers, purchased a twenty-seven year old female after a car struck and killed the family cat. His pet, which he named “Kim Kardashian,” has demonstrated the ability to perform simple tasks of addition, subtraction and multiplication.

“I don’t even need a calculator anymore,” says Starewitz. “Kim Kardashian can’t do division, but that’s OK. I didn’t expect anything from her except to play with my kids and maybe chase away intruders, so this has been a nice surprise. The only problem is that she has been thus far very difficult to toilet-train.”

As for Mr. Johnny Talukder and Moushum “Moz” Mustakeen, they plan to expand Deshi Dogs to several new locations, possibly even a retail outlet in the Mall of America.

“The demand for these things is off the chart,” says Talukder. “If things keep up like they are, we’re going to have a real problem. We only bribed enough for 100 people a week. We might have to go back to Bangladesh and meet the new Government.”

Bangladesh Sneers at Barack Obama

It should be remembered that we Bangladeshis are critical of non-democratic processes. Our leaders come from political families whose backgrounds in leadership and inherited prestige give them an upper hand in running our country. The Americans, our brothers in democracy (but our enemies in being non-Muslim) have elected a man with very little family background in politics. Yet, he is not all bad.

Barack Obama is a man who has many exemplary qualities that all of us should aspire to. For example, he is not George Bush. This single virtue should be enough to make Americans grateful to him. For eight years, they wished for a President who was not George Bush, and even went to the length of not voting for him, but their wishes did not come true until now. However, it is an unquestionable truth that Barack Obama is not George Bush.

We at Joruri Khobor ask: is being not George Bush enough to make a good President? He might be good enough for America, but he's not good enough for us. Here are the reasons why.

a) Barack Obama is the first black president of the United States. Good for you, America! But we have had halwa-colored Presidents and Prime Ministers for thirty eight years! You can brag about how you have a President who is not a white man, but our ruler, the most beloved Bongokhalamma Begum Humayunnesa, is neither white nor a man!

b) Barack Obama ran a grassroots campaign and raised money, in small amounts, from an unprecedented number of people. Nigga please. Tengku Rahman, the third cousin of the nation (twice removed, especially after the last government), set up a system where every bus travelling from Dhaka to Narayanganj paid him five takas per ticket sold. Compared to that, Mr. Barack so-called Hussein Obama is nothing.

c) Barack Obama started off at a community college and went on to study in Columbia and Harvard Universities. Most Bangladeshi politicians begin their studies at community centers and often travel to Colombo and in some cases get degrees from Harvard International University, Jhikatola (not affiliated with Harvard University).

d) Barack Obama inspired record numbers of people to vote for the first time. As you will know from reading Joruri Khobor, Bangladesh is the most democratic country in the world, and Barack Obama's tinpot democracy does not impress us. Our elections get 100% voter turnouts. As a matter of fact, this past election, Deshpremik Dol got 120% votes, exceeding the number of people who are currently alive in Bangladesh. We believe that the number of votes is a reflection of people's faith in Deshpremik Dol.

This was a Joruri Khobor exclusive report.

PICTURED: Barack Hussein Obama as simply Hussein the Bangladeshi.

Casper the Friendly Ghost Declared Foreign Minister

Casper, the friendly ghost, has been declared Foreign Minister by Prime Minister and CEO Begum Humayunnesa. This is regarded as a good decision by the economic analysts at Joruri Khobor, because this will prove to foreign nations that Bangladesh is transparent in its intentions but can also get aggressive if necessary.

Kaiser Saddam, resident patient and Greek interpreter for Joruri Khobor, said: "This is a canny move involving an uncanny spirit. It's a natural gesture towards a supernatural being. Begum Humayunnesa loves her spirits. This is clearly the influence of Humayunnesa's son DJ. DJ is of course the grandson of the nation and has recently completed his Master's thesis on Barrack Obama, whose campaign he studied by watching CNN. He is a student of Canada School of Government."

This move is being lauded by all major international powers and supernatural creatures. Mamdo Bhoot, king of ghosts, said, "The best thing about appointing the ghost of Sheikh Istiaq is that he appeals to two demographic groups, that is to say, those who like music and those who are superstitious. Plus, it also fits the major requirement for all Bangladeshi foreign ministers. The concept of what they are required to do is foreign to them."

Begum Humayunnesa was smiling when she declared the news to the press. "People call me crazy," said our beloved Netri apa, "But I'm really just crazy for Bangladesh!"

PICTURED: The plucky Casper plays a prank on Putin by touching his bald head at the UN Summit. President Bush, one of the few UN representatives who believes in ghosts, is apalled.

Hyder Husyn Angry at Not Becoming Shorkari Officer

EXCLUSIVE UPDATE

Hyder Husyn: Amake chara chalabe ei desh shaddho kar babar?
Begum Humayunnesa: Amar.

Hyder Husyn, well-known shomaj-shebok, philanthropist, deshpremik, patriot, rockstar and gayok, is furious. He was an outspoken critic of the previous government and Bangladesh Moulik Committee, though he never said anything directly. However, the new government, led by Deshpremik Dol, has not appointed him in any executive capacity yet. We at Joruri Khobor are holding our breath to see where the government fits this paragon.

Hyder Husyn held a press conference to air his grievances. "When i wrote songs decrying the corrupt morality of various regulating bodies and policewomen in tight uniforms, I did not do so with any expectation. However, I felt that the new government owes me a position. Perhaps a cultural ministership, or the National Surveyor of Sari. I would be an asset to any government, and if the Bangladeshi one seems recalcitrant, then I may well take my guitar and harmonium to Maldovia and write patriotic songs exorting their youth to new heights." Nobel laureate Professor Younus was also present behind Mr. Husyn, playing an electric drum machine.

He then led the crowd in a rousing performance of his old hit, "Mon Ki Je Chaye".

Mon ki je chaye bolo
Montritto laage bhalo
Ei montritto badha manena
Ki jani keno janina!

Begum Humayunnesa has responded angrily to Mr. Husyn's complaints. "What does he think, that I will give him a government post simply because he plays difficult chords? Not so! Mr. Husyn has no governmental experience. While it is also true that nobody in my cabinet actually does, at least they acknowledge that the vote of the people is a manifestation of Divine Will. Mr. Husyn is too independent, he is not a team player. He will take months off to record new hit albums. And worst of all, he uses a Welsh spelling of the name Hossain".

Joruri Khobor's expert analysts feel that Hyder Husyn may finally truthfully mean it when he sings, "Ami phaissha gecchi".

PICTURED: Hyder Husyn speaking on his position, with his biggest supporter, Professor Younus, playing a drum machine in the background.

Opposition Party and FDC fighting over Blagojevich

Rod Blagojevich, the American with the cough-like name, is being courted by certain parties in Bangladesh.

Political analyst Khokon Bass says, "Blagojevich, in spite of his name, faith and nationality, actually portrays the roister-doistering, thrust-and-parry political style that is more in tune with Bangladesh than with America. It's a rat race and he is a fat cat. It's a dog eat dog world and he is a son of a bitch."

Well spoken, Khokon! Opposition party leader Begum Kutubunnesa, mother-in-law to the country and CEO of Bangladesh Moulik Committee or BMC, said in a recent press conference: "Now that the police have thrown eggs at my nephews, they don't want to enter politics anymore. They are more interested in X-Box and illegal international bank accounts. Blagojevich has the kind of strategizing and maneuvering skills that I feel exemplify BMC's style. Plus, he has hair just like mine. I am dying to use his perming machine and I doubt I would get it if he were sent to jail in America."

But while Begum Kutubunnesa has her sights set on Blagojevich, so does a certain non-political but very influential industry: FDC! Upon being interviewed, famous FDC extra Nirob Bhuiyan said: "With Ilias Kanchon getting boring and old, and Monowar Hussain Dipjol in jail, we stand a very real chance of losing the public's interest. Blagojevich can fill that gap. He is, first of all, whiter in skintone than even Salman Shah. Secondly, he is like Raja in the movie Sheersho Shontrashi--he is both a hero and a villain. Like an anti-hero or rather, to use the proper term, hillain. His hair and his spoken English will take him far in the Dhaliwood industry."

Whether or not Blagojevich joins politics or movies, it seems like he has a fun life ahead of him! And here he was trying to sell a black man's leavings.

PICTURED: Blagojevich's first possible movie. A sound career choice? We at JK think so!