US failure McCain calls Kutubunnesa, Kutubunnesa promises revolution

John McCain, the American who is famous for losing the Presidential Election to rising black Obama and having a beautiful wife, called Begum Kutubennesa to express his sorrow at her loss in this Election.

Speaking through a translator (for McCain is ignorant in Bangla), he said, "Begum, your joy is my joy, your sorrow is my sorrow. I had hoped that you would win the election. I even prayed for you to win but we all know what happens to those whose victory I pray. Bridget, my adopted Bangladeshi daughter, quite adores you, and as such I could not refuse to call. She is very strong and I was afraid she would run around the drawing room with her eyes closed and break our furniture."

The honorable Begum, mother-in-law of the nation, responded to McCain in English. "Thank you", she said. "Very good."

Begum Kutubunnesa, CEO of Bangladesh Moulik Committee or BMC, is planning a comeback. BMC was the worst-hit when the temporary government raided the bank accounts of politicians and non-elected party bigwigs, including Kutubunnesa's two favorite nephews. Kutubunnesa's plans include an immediate declaration of public revolt. It can be said that Kutubunnesa is revolting even now. Said the glorious opposition leader: "I do not believe that the Bangladeshi people know what is good for them. This is why it is my duty as mother-in-law to the nation to guide them. I do not know why they voted for Begum Humayunnesa, who is proven to be corrupt, craven, treacherous and uneducated. I will save my country and bring peace. We will make Bangladesh even more democratic! This is why I am proposing a pubic uprising against the government elect, and am declaring the month of January to be a hartal."

Begum Humayunnesa, CEO of Deshpremik Dol, proclaimed: "My party has been elected by the people, and we rule by divine right. I personally made sure that BMC members were issued printed invitations asking them to vote. However, a mistake at the printing press caused the Election Date to be printed as 3 January, 2009."

This just in: UN and USAID declare Election racist, lacking in Blacks and Chinese

STAFF REPORTER, RADISSION HOTEL:

Several UN observers and hundreds of USAID funded NGO officials were thoroughly astounded to discover that all the people who turned out to vote on 29^th December 2008 were Bangladeshi citizens.

The UN observers, who have been contracted through various world body affiliates at enormous expense, were flown into their 5-star hotels on Friday and then taken around the country under heavy protection. They marveled at how jam free the roads were on election day and congratulated themselves on the stunning work done by the Traffic Planning and Road Jam Alleviation commission, of which several of the observers were a member of. But the major twist came when after visiting several polling booths and discovering the similar ethnicity of all the voters. “Where are all the Blacks? The Chinese? The Eskimos?” fumed Natasha Smordenvance, an officer in the esteemed organization DiscrimiNation Stop. “How can this be a free and fair election when this sort of racial discrimination is allowed to exist?” was her raging inquiry. She also claimed that the existence of these races in Bangladesh being false as being false as she and several of her fellow observers had had lunch, dinner and after party drinks together with these people.

PICTURED: An unrepresented minority.

Bangladesh most democratic country in Asia.

Tukatuki Lane, Dhaka: 100% of the voters had already cast their votes by 10 AM, said Chief Election Commissioner Muhaddes Khondokar Tinku. The short lines at the polling booths and the jam-less roads of Dhaka city showed that people were not on the streets or at the polling centres. It was proof that voters had already voted and were enjoying a well-earned cup of tea with their family members and servants, who have also no doubt voted.

This election, 2008, is also a landmark year for democracy. Just like America, where the black Obama has charmed hearts with his warm smile, Bangladesh also boasts a very low average voter age. "Young people are just more and more interested in politics these days," says Khilkhil Ferdousi, principal of Young Flowers International School and College. "I have seen youngsters in Class 5 even discussing the differences between Begum Kutubunnesa and Begum Humayunnesa, our two great national leaders." Indeed, it is true. We at Joruri Khobor are proud to announce that Bangladesh is now the most democratic country in Asia. The average voting age is down to 16 years old, thanks to our wondrous population output and recent decreases in infant mortality rates.

Vote counting will not start until 10pm, even though 100% votes were already cast. CEC spokesmen said it was because all personnel at the polling centres were being paid on an hourly basis. He added that designated vote counters were still collecting interest and it was only after the assessment of the monetary value of the interest will the votes be counted. Both political parties--I am referring, of course, to Bangladesh Moulik Committee or BMC and Deshpremik Dol, are expecting 100% of the votes to be for their candidates.

"This is democracy in action", said Begum Humayunnesa of Deshpremik Dol.

PICTURED: Young voters, age 12.

Banglalink offers to be corporate sponsor of National Election

Banglalink, the popular cellphone giant, has offered to sponsor the National Elections in exchange for branding opportunities. "Look at it this way--as it is, we are Royal Bengal tigers. We are the tiger-stripes. Thanks to our giant media budget, we own more of Bangladesh than anybody else anyway. So it would not be a bad thing to have orange voting booths."

This has met with strong protests from GrameenPhone, who up till this preposterous offer, had a complete monopoly on patriotism. "What is this effrontery?" asked the Norwegian CEO of Bangladesh's biggest cellphone provider. "Is this what it means to be a Bangladeshi? Is this what staying close is about? Catch Thackaan!" On being corrected by one of his henchmen, he corrected himself and said "Kaatche Thaakun!"

Lesser operators like Warid and Citycell are unconcerned. Djuice, the cellphone plan which is famous for being popular amongst youths and for having cheap call rates, has made the offer to sponsor a concert by Fuad. What this has to do with the election nobody knows. Banglalink, however, has said that in addition to a corporate sponsorship, they will sponsor two concerts by Fuad.

The Govt said that they will consider Banglalink's offer. The only concern of the Govt is that Banglalink wants to sponsor only voting booths in areas where their network is active, and this means that a large part of the country will have no sponsorship.

Titu Jahangir Accused of Honesty

Pithapara, Dec 29: Tolpar Jahangir Titu, populist candidate from BMC (Bangladesh Moulik Committee), has been accused of standing in the national elections without having bribed any party or government officials.

“Titu Jahangir has made a mockery of our democratic process. He will be excommunicated from the Party. This is not only a disgrace to the fine traditions set by Shahid Jobbar Ali, but also goes against the philosophy of Dhara Mahallah.” Begum Kutubunnesa said that once she is elected, she will hang Titu Jahangir or at the very least give him an ambassadorship to an unpleasant country.

When questioned, Titu said: “I am a patriot. I love my country. Begum Kutubunnesa is like a mother to me. I have never sinned against my country and I have never sinned against Begum Kutubunnesa. I can only hope and pray that the vilifiers who have poisoned our glorious leader’s ear with their calumnies will choke to death on the foul substance of their own evil, that they will see their wives and children burning in agony and shame. This is part of a conspiracy to undermine all true patriots. Why would I deprive my superiors of their tariff? Am I a gunda-panda from the streets? Am I just a thug? Was it not my hand that wielded the Molatovs that hurled against the tyrant’s glass window in the andolon 1990, shattering them and wounding his only daughter? Did I not face bullets for my Begum?”

The people of Pithapara have not been very communicative. Makhon Miah, resident of Pithapara for twelve generations, said “We don’t know who this Tolpar Titu is. He’s just here for the election. He’ll be gone again when it ends. Life goes on.” Just then, however, a moshaal micchil (procession with fire-torches) went past, with over three hundred and twenty people shouting “Amar bhai, tomar bhai, Titu bhaiyer mukti chai!” Titu is, however, not incarcerated at the present time.

This is not Tolpar’s first scandal, but it is his first major one.

PICTURED: Tolpar Jahangir Titu.