Bangladesh Sneers at Barack Obama

It should be remembered that we Bangladeshis are critical of non-democratic processes. Our leaders come from political families whose backgrounds in leadership and inherited prestige give them an upper hand in running our country. The Americans, our brothers in democracy (but our enemies in being non-Muslim) have elected a man with very little family background in politics. Yet, he is not all bad.

Barack Obama is a man who has many exemplary qualities that all of us should aspire to. For example, he is not George Bush. This single virtue should be enough to make Americans grateful to him. For eight years, they wished for a President who was not George Bush, and even went to the length of not voting for him, but their wishes did not come true until now. However, it is an unquestionable truth that Barack Obama is not George Bush.

We at Joruri Khobor ask: is being not George Bush enough to make a good President? He might be good enough for America, but he's not good enough for us. Here are the reasons why.

a) Barack Obama is the first black president of the United States. Good for you, America! But we have had halwa-colored Presidents and Prime Ministers for thirty eight years! You can brag about how you have a President who is not a white man, but our ruler, the most beloved Bongokhalamma Begum Humayunnesa, is neither white nor a man!

b) Barack Obama ran a grassroots campaign and raised money, in small amounts, from an unprecedented number of people. Nigga please. Tengku Rahman, the third cousin of the nation (twice removed, especially after the last government), set up a system where every bus travelling from Dhaka to Narayanganj paid him five takas per ticket sold. Compared to that, Mr. Barack so-called Hussein Obama is nothing.

c) Barack Obama started off at a community college and went on to study in Columbia and Harvard Universities. Most Bangladeshi politicians begin their studies at community centers and often travel to Colombo and in some cases get degrees from Harvard International University, Jhikatola (not affiliated with Harvard University).

d) Barack Obama inspired record numbers of people to vote for the first time. As you will know from reading Joruri Khobor, Bangladesh is the most democratic country in the world, and Barack Obama's tinpot democracy does not impress us. Our elections get 100% voter turnouts. As a matter of fact, this past election, Deshpremik Dol got 120% votes, exceeding the number of people who are currently alive in Bangladesh. We believe that the number of votes is a reflection of people's faith in Deshpremik Dol.

This was a Joruri Khobor exclusive report.

PICTURED: Barack Hussein Obama as simply Hussein the Bangladeshi.

Casper the Friendly Ghost Declared Foreign Minister

Casper, the friendly ghost, has been declared Foreign Minister by Prime Minister and CEO Begum Humayunnesa. This is regarded as a good decision by the economic analysts at Joruri Khobor, because this will prove to foreign nations that Bangladesh is transparent in its intentions but can also get aggressive if necessary.

Kaiser Saddam, resident patient and Greek interpreter for Joruri Khobor, said: "This is a canny move involving an uncanny spirit. It's a natural gesture towards a supernatural being. Begum Humayunnesa loves her spirits. This is clearly the influence of Humayunnesa's son DJ. DJ is of course the grandson of the nation and has recently completed his Master's thesis on Barrack Obama, whose campaign he studied by watching CNN. He is a student of Canada School of Government."

This move is being lauded by all major international powers and supernatural creatures. Mamdo Bhoot, king of ghosts, said, "The best thing about appointing the ghost of Sheikh Istiaq is that he appeals to two demographic groups, that is to say, those who like music and those who are superstitious. Plus, it also fits the major requirement for all Bangladeshi foreign ministers. The concept of what they are required to do is foreign to them."

Begum Humayunnesa was smiling when she declared the news to the press. "People call me crazy," said our beloved Netri apa, "But I'm really just crazy for Bangladesh!"

PICTURED: The plucky Casper plays a prank on Putin by touching his bald head at the UN Summit. President Bush, one of the few UN representatives who believes in ghosts, is apalled.

Hyder Husyn Angry at Not Becoming Shorkari Officer

EXCLUSIVE UPDATE

Hyder Husyn: Amake chara chalabe ei desh shaddho kar babar?
Begum Humayunnesa: Amar.

Hyder Husyn, well-known shomaj-shebok, philanthropist, deshpremik, patriot, rockstar and gayok, is furious. He was an outspoken critic of the previous government and Bangladesh Moulik Committee, though he never said anything directly. However, the new government, led by Deshpremik Dol, has not appointed him in any executive capacity yet. We at Joruri Khobor are holding our breath to see where the government fits this paragon.

Hyder Husyn held a press conference to air his grievances. "When i wrote songs decrying the corrupt morality of various regulating bodies and policewomen in tight uniforms, I did not do so with any expectation. However, I felt that the new government owes me a position. Perhaps a cultural ministership, or the National Surveyor of Sari. I would be an asset to any government, and if the Bangladeshi one seems recalcitrant, then I may well take my guitar and harmonium to Maldovia and write patriotic songs exorting their youth to new heights." Nobel laureate Professor Younus was also present behind Mr. Husyn, playing an electric drum machine.

He then led the crowd in a rousing performance of his old hit, "Mon Ki Je Chaye".

Mon ki je chaye bolo
Montritto laage bhalo
Ei montritto badha manena
Ki jani keno janina!

Begum Humayunnesa has responded angrily to Mr. Husyn's complaints. "What does he think, that I will give him a government post simply because he plays difficult chords? Not so! Mr. Husyn has no governmental experience. While it is also true that nobody in my cabinet actually does, at least they acknowledge that the vote of the people is a manifestation of Divine Will. Mr. Husyn is too independent, he is not a team player. He will take months off to record new hit albums. And worst of all, he uses a Welsh spelling of the name Hossain".

Joruri Khobor's expert analysts feel that Hyder Husyn may finally truthfully mean it when he sings, "Ami phaissha gecchi".

PICTURED: Hyder Husyn speaking on his position, with his biggest supporter, Professor Younus, playing a drum machine in the background.

Opposition Party and FDC fighting over Blagojevich

Rod Blagojevich, the American with the cough-like name, is being courted by certain parties in Bangladesh.

Political analyst Khokon Bass says, "Blagojevich, in spite of his name, faith and nationality, actually portrays the roister-doistering, thrust-and-parry political style that is more in tune with Bangladesh than with America. It's a rat race and he is a fat cat. It's a dog eat dog world and he is a son of a bitch."

Well spoken, Khokon! Opposition party leader Begum Kutubunnesa, mother-in-law to the country and CEO of Bangladesh Moulik Committee or BMC, said in a recent press conference: "Now that the police have thrown eggs at my nephews, they don't want to enter politics anymore. They are more interested in X-Box and illegal international bank accounts. Blagojevich has the kind of strategizing and maneuvering skills that I feel exemplify BMC's style. Plus, he has hair just like mine. I am dying to use his perming machine and I doubt I would get it if he were sent to jail in America."

But while Begum Kutubunnesa has her sights set on Blagojevich, so does a certain non-political but very influential industry: FDC! Upon being interviewed, famous FDC extra Nirob Bhuiyan said: "With Ilias Kanchon getting boring and old, and Monowar Hussain Dipjol in jail, we stand a very real chance of losing the public's interest. Blagojevich can fill that gap. He is, first of all, whiter in skintone than even Salman Shah. Secondly, he is like Raja in the movie Sheersho Shontrashi--he is both a hero and a villain. Like an anti-hero or rather, to use the proper term, hillain. His hair and his spoken English will take him far in the Dhaliwood industry."

Whether or not Blagojevich joins politics or movies, it seems like he has a fun life ahead of him! And here he was trying to sell a black man's leavings.

PICTURED: Blagojevich's first possible movie. A sound career choice? We at JK think so!

US failure McCain calls Kutubunnesa, Kutubunnesa promises revolution

John McCain, the American who is famous for losing the Presidential Election to rising black Obama and having a beautiful wife, called Begum Kutubennesa to express his sorrow at her loss in this Election.

Speaking through a translator (for McCain is ignorant in Bangla), he said, "Begum, your joy is my joy, your sorrow is my sorrow. I had hoped that you would win the election. I even prayed for you to win but we all know what happens to those whose victory I pray. Bridget, my adopted Bangladeshi daughter, quite adores you, and as such I could not refuse to call. She is very strong and I was afraid she would run around the drawing room with her eyes closed and break our furniture."

The honorable Begum, mother-in-law of the nation, responded to McCain in English. "Thank you", she said. "Very good."

Begum Kutubunnesa, CEO of Bangladesh Moulik Committee or BMC, is planning a comeback. BMC was the worst-hit when the temporary government raided the bank accounts of politicians and non-elected party bigwigs, including Kutubunnesa's two favorite nephews. Kutubunnesa's plans include an immediate declaration of public revolt. It can be said that Kutubunnesa is revolting even now. Said the glorious opposition leader: "I do not believe that the Bangladeshi people know what is good for them. This is why it is my duty as mother-in-law to the nation to guide them. I do not know why they voted for Begum Humayunnesa, who is proven to be corrupt, craven, treacherous and uneducated. I will save my country and bring peace. We will make Bangladesh even more democratic! This is why I am proposing a pubic uprising against the government elect, and am declaring the month of January to be a hartal."

Begum Humayunnesa, CEO of Deshpremik Dol, proclaimed: "My party has been elected by the people, and we rule by divine right. I personally made sure that BMC members were issued printed invitations asking them to vote. However, a mistake at the printing press caused the Election Date to be printed as 3 January, 2009."

This just in: UN and USAID declare Election racist, lacking in Blacks and Chinese

STAFF REPORTER, RADISSION HOTEL:

Several UN observers and hundreds of USAID funded NGO officials were thoroughly astounded to discover that all the people who turned out to vote on 29^th December 2008 were Bangladeshi citizens.

The UN observers, who have been contracted through various world body affiliates at enormous expense, were flown into their 5-star hotels on Friday and then taken around the country under heavy protection. They marveled at how jam free the roads were on election day and congratulated themselves on the stunning work done by the Traffic Planning and Road Jam Alleviation commission, of which several of the observers were a member of. But the major twist came when after visiting several polling booths and discovering the similar ethnicity of all the voters. “Where are all the Blacks? The Chinese? The Eskimos?” fumed Natasha Smordenvance, an officer in the esteemed organization DiscrimiNation Stop. “How can this be a free and fair election when this sort of racial discrimination is allowed to exist?” was her raging inquiry. She also claimed that the existence of these races in Bangladesh being false as being false as she and several of her fellow observers had had lunch, dinner and after party drinks together with these people.

PICTURED: An unrepresented minority.

Bangladesh most democratic country in Asia.

Tukatuki Lane, Dhaka: 100% of the voters had already cast their votes by 10 AM, said Chief Election Commissioner Muhaddes Khondokar Tinku. The short lines at the polling booths and the jam-less roads of Dhaka city showed that people were not on the streets or at the polling centres. It was proof that voters had already voted and were enjoying a well-earned cup of tea with their family members and servants, who have also no doubt voted.

This election, 2008, is also a landmark year for democracy. Just like America, where the black Obama has charmed hearts with his warm smile, Bangladesh also boasts a very low average voter age. "Young people are just more and more interested in politics these days," says Khilkhil Ferdousi, principal of Young Flowers International School and College. "I have seen youngsters in Class 5 even discussing the differences between Begum Kutubunnesa and Begum Humayunnesa, our two great national leaders." Indeed, it is true. We at Joruri Khobor are proud to announce that Bangladesh is now the most democratic country in Asia. The average voting age is down to 16 years old, thanks to our wondrous population output and recent decreases in infant mortality rates.

Vote counting will not start until 10pm, even though 100% votes were already cast. CEC spokesmen said it was because all personnel at the polling centres were being paid on an hourly basis. He added that designated vote counters were still collecting interest and it was only after the assessment of the monetary value of the interest will the votes be counted. Both political parties--I am referring, of course, to Bangladesh Moulik Committee or BMC and Deshpremik Dol, are expecting 100% of the votes to be for their candidates.

"This is democracy in action", said Begum Humayunnesa of Deshpremik Dol.

PICTURED: Young voters, age 12.